It could have been me- I didn't know what I was thinking (4)

He hit me with the car. My face felt like it cracked in, my body swung back to my feet. I couldn't breath from the blood, the saliva and my attempt to scream. I remembered that I couldn't breath from the bang I just received from the left headlight of the car. I was in pain, he sopped right on time. I couldn't tell if I was dying or if I was already dead. All of a sudden I heard footsteps, "you back for more mother fucker!" I tried to act tough but was gurgling on my own saliva and blood. The crunching of the rocks stuck out like someone scratching their finger nails on a blackboard. He kneeled down and laughed while staring at me. "Wow babe your body can bend like that? Na.. na...I can't kill you today, your turning me on. He lifted me up, got me to stand and held me up until we got  to the car. He placed me in the car as if I was a helpless child. One of my eyes were closed and I could only see with a pin view. By this time, I knew what he wanted. As soon as he got into the car he said, "I'm sorry babe, but you pissed me off. I was planing a surprise for you but it didn't work out. That's why it took me so long to get home." He went on and on and all I could do is dread the ride home and dread the moment we get to the house but nothing was more disgusting than him putting me to bed.

As soon as we got home He took me to the bathroom and sat me down the toilet so I can take a shower. He grabbed a t-shirt and told me to clean up and meet him in the room. I had to hold on to the wall and walk my way to the shower. I could see my shadow and it reminded me of a wounded soldier bday wounded so much so that the soldier had his knees and upper body bent. I came up to a mirror and sink and saw myself through my tears, and through a small peephole left of one eye. "this cant b me, What do I do God, Why am I so attached to this monster." I saw an image of death waiting for me. I myself looked like a monster, and with all the strength I had, I rushed as fast as I could to the shower to try to erase what Pito has done. But I couldn't, my body was in pain. All of a sudden I heard, "Babe! Hurry up,I'm gonna put on a movie!" With all my might, I said "ok, I'm almost done" trying not to cry but as soon as he closed the bathroom door the flood gates opened and I couldn't stop crying.

To be continued...

letters To My Daughters- All is Happening To Fast

06/27/13

Dear Alex,
Yesterday you called me and you sounded stressed, tired, grumpy. You seemed to have a lot going on and have a lot on your mind. Listening to your voice was almost like listening to mine. We Libras seem to want to accomplish so much, we are determined creatures and want to prove to ourselves that we can do anything. Yet we sometimes forget to nurture our own souls. when we get too busy in our lives worrying about things that really do not matter as much as we matter to ourselves, we can sometimes get lost. Your life, is happening to fast. Take it from a woman that has gone down that very same path. Enjoy what you do, get to know yourself, who you really are as a person, as much as You know what your strengths are, learn and build on your weaknesses,  allow yourself to look around and observe the life around you so you would not get blind sided by deceit and unhealthy individuals that do not wish you well.  Take the time to prioritize your life, give thanks and the rest will follow.  I know sometimes you see me and you may see disappointment and I can only I apologize for the rest of my life but I have faith that time will heal all wounds and God has forgiven us all. God has a destiny for me just like he has a destiny for you too.  For now, please do not hide the inequities, open your eyes and your mind to only good things, follow your dream with ease and fate will carry you to your true destiny.

I love you with all my heart Alex and I am so proud the woman you are becoming.

May God watch over you always,

I love you Elephant Much.
Mom

it Could Have Been Me - I Didn't Know What I Was Thinking (3)

He finally stopped and threw me in the car. I felt like a puppet as he positioned my head and placed my legs in the car. With one eye barely able to see, I observed him looking in front of the car and back of the car, I can only imagine it was to make sure no one was looking. He shut the car door on my side, walked around the car, got in and started to drive. He drove with such ease. I felt physically weak, I couldn't even turn my head as my body felt heavy and little by little I was leaning on him. I could feel myself drooling while tasting what I think was blood in my mouth. At a stop light he push me upright and with his right hand he grabbed my hair to keep my head straight up. I started whimpering when I saw we were not going back to the house. "no, no, no, no, no, please......," He turned on the music to drown out my voice. All of a sudden he turned off the radio and that's when I heard the crunching of what seemed to be rocks below the car while Pito was driving. It was dark, all I could see was what the headlights were gleaming at. To me it was like looking into a peek hole but with pain. My eyes were swollen, wet from the tears and blood dripping down my cheeks and on my clothes. My nose was full of mucous and blood. His quietness scared me and he was taking me somewhere that seemed familiar but my head was pounding and I couldn't focus. All of a sudden he stops the car. "Don't fucking move until I tell you too, he faked punched me, I screamed. "Noooo!" He came close to my face and said "Ima kill you bitch!" I was shaking out of fear. He left the car on, got out of the car and left the door open, walked in front of the car and started looking around. My guess was to see if anyone was around witnessing Pito physically abusing me. I can hear water and as I lifted my head I can see a bridge. It's the Whitestone bridge. This was a special place for me as I got a flashback of my paternal grandfather bringing me and my brother here on picnics with one of my uncles who was a year younger than me. The very few times I was able to spend with them. I started thinking of the rest of my family and what would happen to them if they found out that I was missing and dead. 

The man that's in front of my car is a monster, I didn't understand on why I was with him as I didn't even love him. My heart wasn't feeling broken it was my body that was feeling fear. I heard crunching noises, the sound of him returning to the car, my face was already towards the open door on the driver's side. I was waiting for him to walk towards his side of the car but instead my car door opened. He grabbed my body and all of a sudden my adreneline kicked in.I held onto what I could to stay in my car I even tried breaking the stick shift thinking if he's gonna kill me then he ain't going nowhere and the car will have to stay here. I tried to 
grab the keys out of the ignition and threw them outside. He got me out of the car, carried me and placed me a few feet away from my car. The headlights beamed right at us. "Kneel!" He said with this demonic voice. I asked him, "Why? What are you going to do Pito!" His eyes said it all. His body language was firm, and intentional. He was about to murder me. "I said kneel!" He shouted out with his spit hitting my face, I told him "No! You are going to have to make me, you fucking crazy bastard!" I figured if I was going to die, I might as well tell him how I felt. I had on shorts, he grabbed my shoulder to try to push me down we struggle for awhile until he kicked me behind my knees which forced me to fall on my knees. As soon as I hit the ground, the river rocks dug right into my knees. He made me stand up so he could kick in my knees again and again until I could stand up any more. He the then positioned my body to kneel in front of my car. He was measuring the height of my face then would go to the car to measure the height of the lights that were in front of the car. He drove the car slowly Puto my face. He repositioned me again. At this point I was confused, he was daunting me. My mouth was shivering and I was petrified. I screamed at him, " Do already!" That's when he got in the car, drove backwards about 15-20 feet away, waited about 20-30 seconds and pressed the gas. My heart was beating fast, I closed my eyes and all of a sudden I was cold but sweating at the same time. I thought to myself, I can't believe that I am going to die this way, I said to my self in a whisper, "I'm sorry mom, I love you."

Letters to My Daughters- Stop and Smell The Roses

7/09

Hello my darling girls,

I was thinking the day that we went on our first cruise. We were going through so much at the time and although we were struggling at the time, I knew that you both deserved a break from the real world. You both were so excited. The most fun I had with you girls in awhile. I loved your faces, you Alex were trying to be the adult and make sure everything was packed, you even made a list with your sister and checked all of our bags. You and Sami went into my closet and wanted me to wear the prettiest dresses, you would give me your fashionista input and practically told me what to wear in ever ocassion. Jade, you followed Maya and check the list of things we needed to take on our trip.  Your happiness was my happiness. Although we carried a heavy heart, nothing could bring us down during those special moments. We spent our trip with family members, my sister-your aunt, uncles and cousins.  I believe one of my sister's best friend went as well. We ate on that trip like there was no tomorrow, ordered every meal on the menu. We took sun and we danced our bookies off. I remember our cabin. it was tight but it felt like a slumber party but with my best of girlfriends. We all fought for the mirror. Alex, you would fight withJade because she took too long in the shower and Jade you fought with Alex and kept telling her "Your not my mom, stop telling me what to do!" I would smile because those are the type of moments that I will Cheri's and always remember.

Daughters of mine, I can not tell you how much I appreciate you both being in my life. Words can not express the love that I carry for the both of you each and every day. It's seems like in a blink of an eye that things have changed so much. Its true when they say that you are not in control of your life, that God has the best interest for you. That is why it is so important for you both to stop from time to time, close your eyes, take a deep breath and be in the moment. Remember and appreciate your every days including the bad ones. I only say this because when life throws you challenges, it is to help you appreciate your sense of worth. Stop and smell the roses, and think about your decisions in life and make sure that your decisions are well worth making them and never look back and have regrets. Love all and continue to be kiddo to others as you would like others to treat you. ............................

I will always be here for you my darling girls

I love you elephant much

Your mom

I Love You Elephant Much- Video gaming is it an addiction or is it an escape (2)

I remember walking downstairs to wash laundry, I passed him on my left. I heard silence with the exception of the washing machine and dryer going. I noticed now he had on earphones. "are you kidding me?" I told him in an upset tone. I tugged on him to get his attention and he looked at me and aside , "Oh Hi," in a juvenile way, he said to me, "yeah I got these earphones so I can concentrate more and not be distracted." I said, "distracted by who, your girls, by me trying to talk with my husband, have a conversation. really!" I was enraged that this was getting worse.  I returned to the family room and asked on what  he was doing. Mind you, I already knew but i was trying to start a conversation with him. He told me he just finished talking to another gamer who has two children and her husband left her. He said, " Isn't that fucked up babe?" he basically told me her whole life story. I asked him then, "Hey, uhmmm...babe? I was reluctant to ask because I was afraid of the answer I was going to get.  I paused then decided to go for it. "Do you know what I do for a living?" he responded "what do you mean?" "Your a social worker right?" He didn't even look at me. I had no words just a heavy heart that he had no clue on what I did. My heart was broken that he knew more about some chickie he never met in Chicago then me. I then told him about his daughter's chorus concert. He responded with "hold on babe, let me do this first, then tell me again later, or remind me later. Those two statements and a time that he couldn't make it to my best friend's Susie's wedding because he was planning his wedding within his video game with a woman from another state were the most we ever engaged in a conversation. I would go to bed alone and would sometimes wake up alone. We were living like strangers.

 
I finally gave myself a reality check and I knew that as much as I wanted to please Mayhem, I knew that whatever he was going through at that time, he had to be the one to fix it as I felt everything I did or would want to doo to help him it would only pissed him off more.  By me deciding  to return back to school to obtain my masters degree was going to  enraged him but that was not my intent.. I felt like I was defying him when infact he was neglecting me as a person, a woman and as his wife. He spoke about his interest in going back to school so we constantly argued about his level of motivation and his loss of interest in living the real world. He had plenty of time but just didn't do anything about it. I always told him that talk was just talk. He could talk to me about the people (gamers) he was playing with on-line. He would tell me about their lives but didn't know what was happening in his own life. I encouraged him to take an on-line course to start somewhere if this was what he wanted. I was trying to be patient with him, I wanted him to excel in his life and do things he wanted to do, but I felt alone and scared that he was just going to become one of these men that would get up and leave his family because out of his own insecurities for himself he was afraid that he could no longer feel adequate in his own family. I was patient and we spoke about giving him a chance to take a class and for me to wait. I agreed but a year passed and then 2 years passed and he was still in the same place. One day I asked him about his plans for school and told him that I could be of help to him but at the time he was discouraged because he failed his job exam again. The damn game was taking over his life and he did not see that his own failures were manifesting in him drinking more, neglecting us more, and neglecting himself more and more each day from having and enjoying his beautiful family. On good days he would actually force himself to spend quality time with the family but those days were becoming less. At this point he failed his job exam more than three times. His own captain told me that he was concerned for him and felt he was too involved with his gaming.

At the time, I did not know what was going to happen if he left us but if he did,  I had to find a way to support our daughters and help maintain their lifestyle as I felt my bachelor's degree was not going to suffice,  So after waiting two years and weighing an almost 185 pounds from depression, I enrolled in a 2 year masters program for marriage and family therapy. I went home that evening and while he was playing his game, I told him. at first he took it as a joke. But when I showed him the paper work, he became livid to the point of stopping his video game and looking straight at me. he told me, "if you returned to school, I will divorce you!"  I couldn't believe the face, his tone of voice and his look as if he despised me. Holding my tears back in fear that I was no longer talking to a man that loved me but to a man that was seeing me as a competitor, a man that was seeing me with hatred in his heart blew me away He reminded in someways of a man that used to physically abuse me, and only because of the same way he looked at me. it was almost as if they were looking at themselves in the mirror. they saw me and I reminded them of their failures I knew this look, and while stomach turned and my heart was breaking, I looked at him with tears coming down my face and in a strong sarcastic voice said to him, "Hey, I guess I can get your attention after all.

to be continued

I Love You Elephant Much - Video gaming.....is it addicting or is it an escape

Written in 2010

 

Can the father of my two daughters please stand up! Please stand up!

How do deatbeat fathers earn the "the deatbeat" title? Is it tied to just the financial piece of it? I have so many other theories behind the deadbeat father syndrome. It can't be just because they're mad at their ex? It has to be a mix recipee of a little pinch of feeling inferior, a dash of lack of self confidence, and a "BAM" of insecurity! In my case the recipee also included a special dose of leaving their old life to start a new life with a whole new family, a family that already include children that do not even belong to him. His personality differs from one family to the next. He's one person with a total different family and a total different person with his own children. 

A deadbeat dad = lack of financial and emotional support. They loose their title and are willing to give up their daddy status from the only individuals that see them as their protectors, their heroes, their guides in their lives.

They splurge their money during social occassions, purchase gifts, go on vacation, yet, his children are waiting at home for that child support check to come in so they can continue living a stable life. His children are home awaiting for that call to say, "hey baby, I was thinking about you today." then have that type of conversation that he used to have with his kids.

These type of men lie, manipulate and lie some more until their own children grow up and see them for what they really are. But its a no win situation, because no matter what the children do or say, no matter how the ex tries to involve the father, he will never be the same with his children.  

Do these type of fathers ever recognize, do they even realize when they abandon their children, the emotional damage they are causing. A loss of a parent can become traumatizing, children begin to develop anger and depression.  What can become of these types of children? What will become of mine?

 

I am a mother getting over a divorce as healthy as I can get over it.  Its been a difficult process for not only me but also my two daughters, Alex and Jade.  Raising my children to become emotionally healthy young ladies without their father's physical and o emotional support was not a wish I intended. You may sondear who I call him MayHem, like the Allstate car insurance comercial where the guy represents mayhem each time there's a car accident.  Mayhem can be a bad storm where a tree falls in a car, or an angry teenage girl talking on the phone about her friend Becky kissing her boyfriend, then gets into a car accident. My personal favorite is when Mayhem, the guy, is jogging and representing a hot babe when a man drives right by her, not ficusing on the road, just focusing on the hot babe jogging, resulting in him crashing his car into a pole. That totally cracked me up! And that is a total representation of my ex-husband. I may also refer to him as scrooples too. I guess it would depend of what I'll be writing about. 

Mayhem is a man that I was with for about 9 years then married for 9 years and 5 months. But of course, he'll say "We were only together for 12 years. Meanwhile, when we divorced, our oldest daughter, Alex, was turning seventeen years old. You do the math. Anywhoo, we were quite young. Inlove, he was emotionally spoiled by his mom. He could never do anything wrong. She would say, "Not my son" ha... But her oldest daughter, the poor girl did everything wrong in her eyes. It was sad to see that this man was never made responsible for anything except maintaining excelllent credit and that comes from his father. Our life together was a learning curve. We had our ups and downs. But things really started to get bad when video gaming became part of his life. He isolated himself in this interactive internet game. For seven years he played between 10 to 15 hours a day. He was rapidly becoming addicted and became distant from us and his family. My girls and I started to eat dinners alone. Go to places alone. Our fights consisted of me making him attend his daughters functions, such as, their parent teacher conferences, concerts, plays, I mean, when we were married I left my home for one night to force him to face his daughter to either attend her father and daughter dance or have him tell her in her face why he was not going to go to her dance. He opted to go and she was so very happy. A father and daughter dance should be treasured forever. He was becoming controlling, selfish then he stopped talking to some of his family members, didn't really care much about his elders who were related to him and ill. He detached himself both emotionally and physically from his sister while distancing himself from most of my family and family functions. He was changing into almost zombie like. He was easily irritable that even the dogs triggered him. He took his anger on the dogs all the time. His routine was to grab a 12 pack of beer, sit in front of the television, hook up his keyboard and start his game. It was one of those never ending games. There was always a journey, a war, a skill he had to learn or a level he had to get to. His whole demeanor with all of us changed. His life was the video games. As for me, not understanding at the time on what was really happening, I began to focus more on work then I obtained two jobs. I tried encouraging him to finish his bachelors degree. He had told me he would but two years past and nothing changed. I then decided to return to school to complete my degree. Once I accomplished in getting my bachelo's degree, he and I spoke again about his interest in school. By this time he was studying for an exam for his job,to advance in his career. I supported it as much as I could. I even volunteered to help him study but he was too engaged in his video games. He was losing himself, losing interest of the real world and he was losing us. I then told him that I was thinking about returning to school to obtain my master's degree. That's when it all began.

It Could Have Been Me - I didn't know What I was Thinking 2

Continuation-

I could see him from across the street, I was trying to figure out on how I could get into my car and drive away but there were people around my car. I was on a mission to get my car back but the odds were against me. I was afraid, shaking from head to toe and had I known what the price was going to be, maybe I would not have taken the risk. I heard him tell his friend Pete, "I'm heading back home to pick something up, let's go!" I watched him put his hand on one of the girls back as if he was a gentleman, he  stroked her back and she smiled at him with a flirtatious smile. I was disgusted to know that I sleep with this man. As Both girls went right back into my car and off they went. I thought to myself, "oh shit!" He's gonna get to the house and I'm not gonna be there. I wanted to be the one with the upper hand, but really what did that mean. He had my freaking car. I ran back to the house as fast as I could. Because the car stopped at several stop lights, I decided to run between the buildings, run in between cars and jumped over ropes that were sporadically placed so folks won't walk on the grass area. My heart was beating so very fast, I don't even think that I blinked or took a breath. I was close to the house. It was quiet, I was almost under the bridge a quarter mile to the house, and I didn't hear the car until "Oh Shit!" He came out of nowhere, he was right in front of me, I was frozen and petrified that he snuck up on me, I looked at him from where I was and asked myself, "how did he.....how could he have??????? I then looked in the car and I didn't see anyone. Where did his friends go?  I then felt that I was losing it. He got out of the car grabbed my neck and forced me to walk towards the passenger side before I sat in the car he forced my head on the rim of the car (before I bent to sit in the passenger car) and started to ram the passenger door on my head. Each time I thought I was going to pass out, he would punch me in my stomach to wake up. While he was beating the hell out of me he screamed out, "You fucking BITCH! Who the hell do you think you are following me, Ima fucking kill you bitch!" I felt my face swelling up, my eyes were closing in on me from his blows and blood was dripping everywhere. I'm crying and thinking to myself, where are the freaking cops? We were in the middle of the street, he was loud and about to kill me.

  -to be continued

I Love You Elephant Much - my venting process (2009)

This “I Love You a Elephant Much” writing represents not only the cues that I missed as a wife but how the issues manifested and carried over to our divorce. No matter the anger, hate, or emotional deficiencies my family and I were experiencing, I had to hang on to what little bit of hope I had, even through what I felt was the worst of the worst in our relationship. The most difficult thought process I had was that I knew one day I had to make a conscious choice to one day go on a journey of forgiveness and make it part of this writing. This is a glimpse, more like a chapter of one of my life experiences.  Please note that this is not a book of an angry Puerto Rican woman. No, do not get it twisted my reada! It’s a book about a once upon a time lost, bewildered and pissed off Puerto Rican woman who couldn't live with anger and hate in her heart and the struggle it was to even begin the process of not only forgiving others but forgiving myself.

What I am about to introduce is not what I am feeling now but it is  a silly poem I put together in 2009 which sums up what I was feeling during one of my angry moments I was struggling to find balance so I wrote the following in my diary as a way for me to vent. this is certainly not part of the journey to forgiveness but it was a part of anger, hate and vengeance that was not healthy for me or my children.

First came love, then came marriage, then came the babies in a baby carriage……
How exciting it was to be new parents,
to love each other and  share moments of laughter and sadness.....
But then came challenges and the family was in shambles
one wanted out because family life was too much to handle….
One went to school and worked 3 jobs at one time,
while the other played their Xbox all through the night….
Then disconnection between them grew faster, faster than some of our nation's biggest natural disasters.
I guess expectations were too high and battles were warranted, but instead of making peace one became vindictive and left us very taunted….

So as they chose to leave and claim boo hoo………
They forgot about their past and who else they left too….
It was ok for the most part  because the children were educated with morals and values….
They knew not to take sides between the two, as they knew they were children of two pharaohs….
but  life became a little bit sad
when the one who left took their time to reconnect with their clan…
And while they were away and were living happy as a clam....
The children became angrier every minute and he didn't even give a dam.....
The oldest left to school to leave the chaotic life and her hurt and anger manifested day and night…..
Her anxieties and love for the missing parent grew stronger everyday….
but she hid it with her power of cutting people off just like the one who left that day…...
She is a trooper and a true survivor the very day she was released from  the woumb……
That’s why the one who stayed keeps a close eye on her incase her days become blue….
 The one who stayed cares for the youngest child as well in such a maternal way……
 and is proud of the difficulties she faced head-on, on her own, even until today………
But unfortunately the one that stayed can't help her youngest fight her demons away……
The youngest  becomes angry and hurt when she realizes  she can not fix the one that left her sight that day…….
 and even though she visits him from time to time……
 she comes home sad and anxious as her once hero's new life is to her demise…
 She is now working on self awareness and self differentiation, bendito the child is seeking peace and salvation….
The one that stayed struggles with making everything right. They too had made mistakes but have learned to balance hers and  her children's lives.....

We both made mistakes along the way…..
but it’s the path where we learn the wrongs and the rights that makes us who we are today……
In the end life is actually the way it should be…..
In hopes that the one that left make different choices, choices that will make our children happy........
If guilt, shame or regrets or anger does not go away, then that’s a choice they would have to live with for the rest of their days……….
Meanwhile, the children grow each and everyday
and for now faith and forgiveness is what makes each day great.......
So the one who stayed provides that peace and tranquility  in the kids home for their sake......
 in hopes that the one who left realizes one day that they made a big HUMONGUS mistake.......

Written by Marline Cosme (Ave Maria Marline Series)

It Could Have Been Me......meet my bff Ms Yolanda

A 30 year friendship that has taught me the word loyalty and committment.... She has been my witness thru my struggles with Pito in the "It could have been me series." If it weren't for my best friend Yolanda, I would probably not be here today. She is my SHERO and I will forever be grateful to her with no words needed to be said, we  are our own Latina Golden Girls

Letters to My Daughters - My daughters are my heroes

Dear Daughters of mine,
It was summer of 2009, I remember the day I was in bed, feeling down and out and feeling defeated in a world Where I worked so hard to overcome life surprises that was place upon me from birth to 18 years old.  I thought that I was able to out run and hide in a new world that was create by me and your father. But it was inevitable that my life was already destined to face all the fears, hurts and pains that I had to face. I am sorry that I brought you into this world to experience such a taunting times. But I am so very grateful that you both were here providing me unconditional love, trying to distract me even from your own hurts and pains. This was not your duty and I know I failed you then. The divorce period was not easy for all of us, I should have handled it better. To clarify, it was not the divorce that broke me but the way actions were displayed by adults. 1) an adult who was left confuse and felt betrayed 2) an adult trying to find their way thru a journey that affected those that loved them and 3) an adult who should have minded their business instead fancied their insecurities causing them to hurt others at all costs.

We were broken into pieces and I acknowledge the strength you, my daughters, had to carry on.  You were my heroes, something that two little girls should have never been subjected to as I know that my lifeless spirit and the emptiness of another parent was difficult for you.  I acknowledge my wrong doings and can never make up those 6 months to you.  I acknowledge that you both had to grow up fast from one day to the next, and that was not fair to the both of you.  You comforted me, you told me things were going to be ok, you both cooked and surprised me with your cooking, you included me in everything that you learned from us being a family and you were there every step of the way to make sure we were all ok. That was my job and I am sorry that my sadness, illness and weakness got in the way.

There is good news my girls,  because of your courage and you love, to date the mother that you once knew since birth has evolved. It has taken sometime to find my way back to myself and the beliefs of true unconditional love, and that is you, my children. I learned the hard way that there is nothing in this world worth more hen the angels God has sent to me. We all have a purpose in life but get distracted with the inequities of life. you both are my true reason for being in this earth. I have much more life to share with you girls, I have so much Love to continue to give you, my angels, and I am never giving upon myself again. And that's a promise!

I love you elephant much
Mom

Caminando en Chancletas Con Rolos in My Hair- 1

It Could Have Been Me- I didn't know what I was thinking

I heard the crunching of what seemed to be rocks while Pito was driving. It was dark, all I could see was what the headlights were gleaming at. To me it was like looking into a peek hole but with pain. My eyes were swollen, wet from the tears and blood dripping down my cheeks and on my clothes. My nose was full of mucous and blood. His quietness scared me and he was taking me somewhere that seemed familiar but my head was pounding and I couldn't focus. All of a sudden he stops the car. "Don't fucking move until I tell you too, he faked punched me, I screamed. "Noooo!" He came close to my face and said "Ima kill you bitch!"

Earlier that day, he woke up in one of his moods, I stayed in bed as long as I could so he won't bother me, but since the bedroom was off the kitchen people were making noise and talking loud. I noticed that when he walked out of the room everyone became silent. A few minutes later he walked back into the room with a bowl of cereal, froot loops, that was his favorite cereal. Then he turned on the television and put up the volume laughing loudly at some television show. He was not concerned that I could have been asleep. Although I was up, I wanted to stay low until I figured out his mood, it was difficult as he was a ticking bomb, I got up from the bed, put on my sweatpants and a button down shirt to look at least decent when I stepped out of the room. I smiled at him and said goodmorning while opening the bedroom door. As I exited out of the room, I saw his mom cooking, his sister smoking a cigarette on the kitchen table and my first boyfriend, Nando and his girlfriend, Mari sleeping in the livingroom. I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and take a shower. As usual I tried to make the best of my morning, as I was taking a shower, I prayed to God to help me out of this situation. I didn't quite know why I was there. I knew I didn't love him but I felt almost like I could save him. Although I was just shy of 18 years old, and I sacrificed being without my family, I thought that for some reason, I could save this man. During my shower, after my prayer and a few tears shed, I started singing. This is something that I normally do in the shower to help my stress. I was singing a freestyle song. All of a sudden The warm water turned freezing cold and when I looked up, It was Pito laughing at me. I screamed, "You scared the shit out of me!" With his arm, he grabbed me by the hair and whispered, "Why are you singing? You want Nando to hear you sing, you trying to impress him?" He had my hair so tight that I thought he ripped off my hair from my head. I asked him too please let go of my hair as I was trembling from head to toe. he told me to sit on the toilet until he told me to get up. He didn't even give me a towel to dry myself.  he said to me "when I finish taking a shower and dry myself with your towel, cuz I forgot mine, then you can dry yourself." I just looked at him, and he smiled. after the shower, we left the bathroom and walked with me to the room. I couldn't look anywhere else.

That evening he went for a bike ride. He told me not to leave the room and hid my car keys. I was relieved that he left. I made some calls to my best friends Janae and Conchita. Janae was seeing Pito's cousin although he was on and off with his girlfriend. Janae knew my struggle and was concerned about me because she knew my family and kepted telling me that my mom was very sad that she has not seen me. "Have you called your mom dude? I said, "No, I don't want to hear it from her." I didn't know on why I was being rebellious with my family. Sometimes I lied to Janae so she wouldn't worry about me and tell my family that I was fine. I hung up in a hurry as soon as I heard his voice. I laid down in the bed and turned on the television. it was around 8pm, he stormed into the bedroom and told me he was taking my car. "Why?" I asked, he said "Because I'm going to do something, "Like what? I'll go with you." He laughed and told me, "No! I then argued with him because I did not want him to take my car. We argued back and forth until he slapped me across my face so hard that I fell on the bed. I was angry, I knew that he was going to utilize my car to hang out with some friends. I didn't care about him going out but I worked hard for that car and was the only thing I owned. While he was taking a shower I hid the keys in the sole of my sneakers. After he got dressed put on some cologne, he looked for my car keys and asked me where I hid them. I pretended to be calm and pretended I was into a television show. I said to him, "You hid them, I don't know where you put them." But he found them, looked at me and left.

It was now around 12:30am. I got dressed and left the house on foot looking for my car. because he had recently put headers on them, I could hear the car from a half a mile away. I walked at least 2 miles in the Parkchester, Castle Hill area in the Bronx. I heard the car and it was coming my way. there was a woman in the front seat, his bestfriend's and another woman in the back seat. I knew where he was going so I ran several blocks to bust him. I was sweating and I didn't care. I thought to myself, he had some bitch in my car! As soon as I got to his destination, I watched him and was trying o figure out a way to get in the car and take my keys. That's was the plan. I didn't know what I was thinking.

I Love You Elephant Much- A Journey to forgiveness 1

A Journey to forgiveness-1

Forgiveness is one of the most difficult skills to have. It should become natural to us but we have been raised in a society of greed, hate, loss, betrayal and hurt. It is so much easier to live with the anger, blame others, hurt others, and gossip about  others. We sometimes feel we have no control or power within ourselves to do the right thing because when we do something good sometimes the gratification doesn't come quick enough. Anger, is a committed, loyal feeling that when we engage in the negativity we get an almost immediate satisfaction and temporary happy feeling inside of us. Some people actually feed from each other and turn negativity into drama, to chaos and a whole freaking party is formed celebrating that they got the best of people. Not caring who they hurt in the long run and not realizing who is being affected by it. The reality is that depending on the people they hurt, they also hurt themselves in the long run. Forgiveness is bigger than any of us. That is why we have to have the tools to start working on forgiveness. Building bridges to connect oneself to freedom and to the truth. The truth I speak of is faith. forgiveness  is a small word but has a fortuitous effect on us all. Being forgiven or forgiving others can range from immediate gratification, such as releasing one self from a burden that one has carried, to having an even bigger effect for the bigger picture of one's life.

To be honest, the bigger picture is the one that's happening to me. It has taken me a long time for me to forgive. First of all, I come from a catholic background. One would think that after many years of reading the bible, I would get the biggest forgiveness of all. In my religious teachings, God sacrificed his son so he can forgive our sins yet we live in a sinful world. I'm not here to preach about religion but I am hear in search of how to forgive. I have always been  a strong woman, living for my family, my extended family, always helping others and utilizing music as my own outlet. Until as I was deceived and my children loss their father, not thru death but thru a revalation of change while forgetting his own. Whether he feels his changes are good for him, his changes affected our daughters. Our daughters then became my daughters, two little girls that were targeted by emotional neglect and invisible for a long while. My daughters were broken and the change of his new life events almost destroyed our daughter's lives, affecting me. It was almost like being in a twighlight zone episode.

I have had various conversations with individuals that are elder and I heard stories. Stories about guilt, sadness, loneliness, and wishing they could go back in time to right the wrongs they made when they were younger. These individuals shared with me that they lost the love of their lives, the respect of there children and the wonderful caring family and friends they once shared their lives with. now they feel they had no appreciation for what they had and so they lost their place in that community of love. At their age 50's to 90 years old, they wanted to turn the time. these elders had tears in their eyes, regret and loss because of there own selfishness has come to their final destination of loneliness and brokenness. they were afraid if they asked for forgiveness, if they tried to turn back,  they would get rejection from the broken trust they left behind.  They say that folks that live in anger, live in "stuckness." when one is young like, 20's, 30's and even 40 year olds have no sense of commitment and loyalty. It's about living in a fantasy world, living life as if they were invisible, living as if they have no one else to care for but themselves. Consequences? There is no such thing when one is young. Living a life to just be vindictive to another is easy to fall into. Sometimes we become territorial of others' lives to the point where we are no longer living our own life but live to ensure another person suffers. Sometimes we can be too far gone in our feelings that the love we had for life, for our families, our friends, ourselves and even the one we loved for so long had have all disappeared. The sad thing is, sometimes that's ok for them. Taking no responsibility and making themselves  believe that there is no going back. Why is that? Why cant folks make amend with the people they hurt, then if things change move on with your life knowing you truly tried, leaving the past with respecting them, with dignity and with the truth. Why harp on making intentional moves to ensure that the person you hurt continues to suffer. And Feel there is no way out in their current life. Why would one want to do that? My feeling is because folks who did the hurting get comfortable in their new lives, the seek for what they once had and attempt to make amends with a life they have now pretending nothing ever happened in their past. Disguising themselves of being someone they have not earned to become. I truly believe with the law of the universe, the law of my higher power and the law of forgiveness that if the one who has done the hurting can find comfort in crippling those they once loved or hurt others in any way, shape or form and for whatever reason does not make full amends with themselves, with the ones that have been hurt then their lives will never feel complete. The damage that is caused in one's heart and soul is long term. The one who did the hurting and the hurtee must find forgiveness to be set free from the burdens of their past life. the question is, who is willing to do the work? I can imagine those that have more of a stubborn soul would feel if they were to return and apologize to those they hurt, gonna they would be admitting that they did wrong and all the tales and lies would have to be answered for. and so it is easier for them to pretend in living a happy life because they lack courage and will and do not want to potray weakness and rather live with the "daunting" feeling of guilt and shame then the "TRUTH."

to be continued-2

I Love You Elephant Much- A Storm I Call Mayhem 5



I am going to call my son to take me to my daughter, Maria's, house." I was struck on how she was first this confident woman telling me that her son needed something different to then all of a sudden making me feel like shit! She was the queen manipulator. She has a heart condition and deppression and I snapped at her. did I go too far or was it the many years of this woman always comparing me with other women. Hell No! It was time for her to stop her shit! Hey, my achievements were difficult to reach and I never was the type to show off.  I am not the type of person to judge what someone has accomplished in their lives. Mayhem wanted me to work hard and make more money and give him my pay to put in the bank under his name. Uhmmmmm.....no! I paid half of everything and gave him half of what was needed for our family but that half did not include family trips, in which I paid for, seasonal clothing, in which I paid for, holiday presents, birthday presents, parties that I did for the girls, clothes I purchased for him. I received no gratitude, not even a smile nor a thank you. If I thought for a moment that our money together was going to benefit the family, then of course but he neglected me, he neglected his life for years and I couldn't trust that. Don't get me wrong, he has done a lot of good in our lives but not during this time.  After my divorce, I was told that my ex husband told others that if he could do it again that he will never marry an independent woman. He rather marry someone who was not educated, someone he can manipulate and control so he had all the say. He said "She will never know the difference!"  When I heard this,I guess his mother was right. I thought of the many times I left this man and tried to leave him and he would find someway to get me back to him. This was not the act of a man who wanted someone different than me. So I didn't believe her, but she was right all along. Mayhem never experienced a single life he had one girlfriend then me. He was a trusting soul but was sneaky at the same time. He thought I was stupid. He didn't know about the street life but he was hungry for it. I could tell by the way he looked at women that resemble strippers by the way they wore their clothing, or women that were street like, hibara (hick) style, cursing up a storm, and although he said different, that was what he wanted and I was blinded by trusting him. As for his mom she got her wish but you know what they say....Be careful for what you wish for.

The year I graduated, he presented me with the divorce papers. I knew then that it wasn't about me going back to school but it was that I was able to continue living my life while he was stuck in video game land. I accomplished so much in the last few years and he was in the same place. His feelings towards me were boiling inside him. Nor me or our daughters could get him out of his addiction. I take that back, it was my ability to be successful, my accomplishments that led him to leave us. I worked two jobs, went to school full-time, had a 16 hour internship, attended my daughters school functions, I even came out on Telemundo singing back-up (chorista) with two of my Salsa idols, "La India" and "Ray De La Paz." oh I almost forgot. As a graduation gift to myself, I purchased a black with biege leather interior convertible car. I purchased it for us, so we can celebrate and for him and I to go on couple trips but he was sooooo pissed! "Where did you get the credit? Where did you get the money? I'm not driving this piece of shit, you take responsibility not me, don't expect me to help you!" This was a stupid decision!" It didn't matter what I did nor did it matter that this car was not going to affect our budget. He was simply angered that while I was able to continue doing what I needed to do for us as a family, he was stuck. As much as I tried to make him proud of me, it pissed him off more. I didn't see it then. My only hope was when he left us I would realize the mistakes he's made but after time, it was just unrealistic thinking. After he left us, he was desperately trying to find reasons on why he left. He would call me out of the blue to ask if I knew a therapist because he couldn't sleep, he would visit the girls and come dressed to impress and asked me if he looked good, then when he come, he would ask if he could use the bathroom to take a peak of what I was doing. These days were difficult for me because if I couldn't help him while we were married then, how could I have helped him while we were divorced.  He needed to figure himself out and figure out on what he wanted. Until he one day texted me a picture of a guy sitting on the bed with his boxers. I didn't know who that was, thinking it was one of his cousins, he kepted texting me that I knew who it was, but I didn't. Until finally, he convinced himself with a little support from family members, mostly his and his friends that I cheated on him. Good gawd! I knew that a new drama like adventure was about to happen.

I Love You Elephant much- Start the movement for a better tommorow

Writing about something positive that comes out of something negative and ugly is difficult for me to do as there are going to people or characters in my writings that will be named differently for the sake of confidentiality, they are going to be pissed, hurt, reluctance and whatever else they may feel that doesn’t satisfy their little hearts. But this book is not about them and their feelings and what they think. They can write their own darn book for that matter. This book is about a family of four. My two daughters, my dog Madison and me and our struggle as a family that could have been all avoided but instead it was intended. My experiences and how I’ve come to accept the person I was and who I am today. I wanted to write something that would inspire others such as women and even men, psychotherapist professionals, such as myself and before we move on, yes, I am a Marital Family therapist for a few years now. So this should be even more interesting to you as trouble finds everyone baby.

If it doesn’t give anyone insight, then I would think that I would have accomplished one thing and that is the writing my legacy to myself. So I can look back and see how far I have come. To be grateful in so many ways for so many reasons and to know that here I was once a young girl, who didn’t even like reading the newspaper unless it was the comics section, is writing a book. Believe it or not I wanted to be this famous Salsa singer or that freestyle singer that I used to be but really had a great experience and had a bunch of laughs with great people and artists I met along the way. Nothing else.But I did have some claim to fame. As a singer, I opened up for so many famous people; such as Mark Anthony, yes ladies and gentlemen it’s Ripley’s believe it or not, several times too. I opened up for Boys to Men, in the Latin spectrum; I was on Telemundo with La India, Ray De La Paz who is a very good friend of mine. But that’s another book that I’m writing.  Let’s stick to this one first.  I was able to pursue my education, My Master’s degree in Marital and Family therapy. I am hopeful that my story will give hope to anyone because I have endured and accomplished and experienced so much in my life I guess now is as good as time as any to write a book.

This book, one of my chapters, A Storm I call Mayhem.”  You may ask yourself on why I chose this title and who am I referring to as Mayhem. Long story and through the story you will find out on who and why.  But I can explain the word Mayhem. Have you ever seen the Mayhem commercials from Allstate auto insurance? Well, you have to check it out, if you have not already, Let me tell you that the word Mayhem fits the character perfectly for this book.  Google defines Mayhem as the willful and unlawful crippling or mutilation of another person. Now there is no mutilation going on in my book although there were moments and I just wanted to….uhmmmmm….ooops…...uhmmm…forget about that…. Moving on, the word crippling nevertheless, is fitting to my story. Yahoo defines Mayhem as a life full of chaos, and probably bad things are happening. Lots of drama. LOL, (sorry, I’m used to texting) yes my readers, lots of drama.   I remembered trying to get friends, other women to partner up with me in writing about something fun and interesting some type of writing that can and help other woman relate and know that there is a way out or a way into a healthy and prosperous life after living a life of hell (you may define it as drama) I found that I had the information all along. My life as a woman in search of answers, love, music, independence, support, and through my research, readings I found such wonderful, amazing wealth of informatioojn out there.  You, the reader just have to be open to other methods of doing things, different ways of living your life, changing your life style, taking the negative people out of your life. You ever hear of the Law of attraction, “The Secret by Rhonda Bynes” how about the “Law of Forgiveness, by Connie Domino, MPH, and RN and for me, my bible, now those are books that changed my life!!! This is not to say that pain, hurts and negative things don’t come my way, OF COURSE THEY DO PEOPLE! But It is how we attract drama versus peace, misery versus self differentiation, and aloneness versus spiritual fulfillment. This book tells a story about a Latina woman such as myself searching for exactly what many of us search for which is love, happiness, internal peace, success and you can add to that list if you want. But in the mist of the search, I found myself in many adverse situations that may have been considered negativity even though I felt I was doing the right thing at that time  Again, In the realm oIndy faith, my higher power, faith in myself and faith that in the end,  things will work out is how we can start the movement to a better tomorrow.

we expect miracles instead we embrace bandages, just like I did,  and each time I put a bandage on my wound I hoped bad things wouldn’t cross my path, but I learned through writing my story, that I was a fool, I was naïve, humble, a sucker, unrealistic. But in the last two years I learned so many things. What is presented to us, should be healthy and that being married, divorced, separated a single parent and finding my way to back of who I am, and not turning back to who I was and all the creepy crawlers that come into reminding me of all the wrongs I did, how do we stop that! We are living in a life where happiness is so important. I am currently in a crossroads in my life, hoping that by the time I’m done with this book, I can find total acceptance, total forgiveness, and the light that once shined over me, including the bliss that one filled my heart with only good memories instead of shit that clogs my mind.   So many endings come with infinite beginnings. New beginnings that I’m not quite sure how they got here, are unknown to me, scary, it's taking me a long time to open up too but I am willing to work on accepting goodness and positive change into my life because when I do face it, it’s positive, its healthy, I have no ill feelings about it. I deserve a chance to be presented with good. Just because one feels they never had it that way, doesn't mean that they never deserved it. We all deserve positivity in our lives. We all deserve a second chance on happiness and whatever else comes with it. I’m here at Barnes and Noble, located at Buckland Hills Mall, in Manchester, Connecticut on this 15th day of February. My little computer is driving me crazy but , it’s not stopping me from writing and sharing my thoughts. It’s quiet,  a good place to put on your earphones, listen to music that inspires one to write and maybe ordering a coffee and a danish and observe people for the first mdunce. I’m not sure how my story is going toI begin or end nor am I anxious about it.  I write my “Ave Maria Marline” series of books as a way to help myself heal, to see if I can reach people out there and to show others like me that they are not alone.

I Love you Elephant Much- A Storm, I Call Mayhem 3 (addition)

I had Mayhem's number and each time Mayhem got busted in his calculated lies and hid from his children, that's when he amazingly rose from the dead and became that victim, making me his spawn for his excuses of why he wasn't seeing his daughters. It was becoming ugly. He continued to call me and threaten to take me to court. I said "FOR WHAT!" There was no reason for him to take that kind of action. Still til this day he threatens me. Between 2009 and 2010 he had lawyers call me, email me, threaten me, I mean Mayhen worked so hard in wanting the judge to find me guilty of something when all he had to do is see his children. The money and efforts he took each time he his guilt knawed at him for not being that loving, consistant father was killing him, it was eating him up inside but he chose to transfer his anger from himself to me, he himself could not live with the fact that he has become exactly what he said he would never be, but he could not take that responsibility, he could not handle his truth. He rather see me suffer for his wrong doings, celebrating my sorrows for his own egotistical gain. He paid for a lawyer to harrass me, so he could see his girls. I told his lawyer that I was confused because he was the one that was absent from their lives, I never once told them they could not see their father. But our conversation was not a pretty one as she was comanding me to respond to her questions that were confusing, farce and ridiculous. I had enough bullies in my life and I was not going to allow some lawyer who was getting paid probably around $300 an hour or more by Mayhem who needed a body guard to bark at me. Hell No! I felt almost like a superhero changing from this angry sad individual mom to a strong advocate. This lawyer never seen me coming. She thought I was one of these meak, unintelligent woman that was going to shiver from her dragon breath.  In the end I told her, "If you think for a moment that I am the type of woman that is going to bow down to you because of your threats to take me to court, you got something else coming, let me explain something to you, your methods do not influence me what so ever, Tell Mayhem to take responsibility and see his children and stop being a fucking drama queen!  The lawyer was quiet, she hung up and I took a deep breath. It was not true, I was shivering, but not because I was scared but because I was so angry that Mayhem was out of control. What the heck is his deal. All he has to do is follow the parenting schedule. Its almost like, he was trying to make himself the victim, displaying that I was the one who was being this bitch with him. So others can feel sorry for him. He was seeking attention, allies and didn't care who got hurt along the way. Shit was getting uglier by the minute! 

Sometimes we become afraid and retreat from what's good....

I remember wanting to write a book sometime ago but I didn’t have anything to write about. I take that back, I was lazy and non-motivated and I didn’t like writing nor reading. It was always difficult for me to comprehend a lot of the writings that I had to read during my school days not to mention that I needed work on my writing skills, Lol, I still do. However, the beauty of having a blog is that I can write exactly what's on my mind except if your an English teacher, please excuse my grammar and errors I make. Lol! I am such a Libra! Anywhoo, I was always busy living and enjoying life, going to school, working 2-3 jobs at a time, an internship, singing in bands or just by myself, making jewelry, taking care of my family, including being a mom, I was always either doing something here and there but my favorite is being a mom.

Just recently, I came across some letters from my past written by my high school friends, letters from my first crush and letters from my ex husband when he was overseas. I also came across journals that I have written throughout the years. Some of it I remembered, others I blocked out of my mind because of the abuse I experienced,in which I will share in my writings. However, I am grateful for the past experiences that I have had, my past relationships and frienships although some were unhealthy, have truly taught me how to respect myself. I gave up myself too many times and put my trust in those that mistreated my spirit for life. It's sad that I did not see it then but that's part of why I am writing now. I am hoping that through my experiences I can teach others to embrace the crossroads between saying goodbye to the old world and embracing a new beginning.  Sometimes we become afraid and retreat from what is good for us and stay to what’s familiar to us. The cycle of unhappiness, abuse, hate, anger, loneliness, and being taken advantage of and whatever else comes with the old life becomes comfortable for us to stay in that relationship and so when we turn away from whats good for us, our struggles starts all over again and we lose ourselves even more.

I say, change your ways, live your life to the fullest but not in such a way that hurts others. It's ok to have changes in your life, some people would say "I'm doing me!" But not in the expense of people you love. I always believed in the what comes around, goes around saying or as folks would say in my world, "lo que tu hace en este mundo lo paga en este mundo." (what we do in this world we will pay for in this world). Listen, I'm not the greatest writer or philosopher but I have several stories to tell and my hope is that one of my stories can help others. So relax,have some coffee, tea, or a glass of something and read my blogs as I take you on a journey into my world, The Ave Maria Marline series will be full of challenges, success and hope. So I'm trying to pass my goodness forward and I am asking readers to do the same. Discuss it with others, leave some comments to share with other readers.

Enjoy and Godspeed!

With much Gratitude,
Marline Cosme
"Ave Maria Marline" series

Letters To My Daughters-3

Present time May 2013

Dear daughters

I can not express the importance of taking every moment in your life and savoring it. Life happens so fast. It was just yesterday that you were all babies, laughing, smiling, getting yourselves into baby trouble and look at you all today! Beautiful young ladies.

Today I will ask you to stop for a minute, close your eyes and listen to your surroundings. Enjoy the sounds of nature, the wind blowing slightly by your body, and listen to your breathing. Take deep breathes to help you relax. Start to imagine the wonderful posituves you want in your lives. Then live your life as if you already have it!

Enjoy your day my loves.

I Love You Elephant Much

Mom

I Love You Elephant Much-The Envelopes

NOVEMBER 2012
My fifth , sixth time that Mayhem takes me to court in 3 years. Within the three years he has sent me several certified letters to two different locations. As soon I would see his thick ass envelopes my stomach would turn. I thought to myself, sheeesh! What does he want now? I was exhausted mentally and physically because I was already working on being mentally prepared to be in the moment with my daughter. This was something I had to do every single day. It was a struggle and these types of comnunication from Mayhem was usually written in a form of vendiction, anger and hate. Keeping my self healthy physically and mentally was difficult enough and he just added to my already challenving life. Each time I heard from him in this manner was too much for me to handle. Mayhem's letters were written as if he himself was a lawyer to try to intimidate me. However, he played this role soo many times that it has over played itself. Whether he realized it or not, he was catagorized as one of my biggest bullies in my life. I can smell a bully a mile away and  the essence of his letters had an evil scent increasing my levels of stress and nausea not of intimidation but out of exhaustion.

I have to admit and I am sure many can resonate with what I am about to embarrassingly write but I was blessed and cursed with a "What if" sense, I call my 7th sense that encourages me to turn the other cheeck but each time I do this, I become a fool. For example,  In early June of 2012, prior to taking Jade to Six Flags, I was in a great mood. While driving in the car my daughter hands me a thick envelope her dad asked her to give me. Knowing that he was going to get married within a week or so I somehow fooled myself in thinking that this was a closure letter, maybe an apology or something positive. I didn't want to open it and held on to it just incase I was wrong. I didn't want to ruin one of the days I was feeling healthy and I wanted to fully be there for my daughter. An hour later my daughter wanted to go to six flags with some friends of mine first then have me join her a little later as I had to get our things together at home. As soon as I dropped her off, I looked at the thick envelope, prayed that the envelope was filled with positivity as I was hopeful that the symbol of his wedding was one of anew, fullfillment, happiness and love so I knew this letter that I was holding could not be of anything else but about his happiness and good wishes for me n how he wants to fully be in his daughters lives. Seriously, how can anyone getting married who claims to be happy have any room for thoughts of anger, thoughts of me, even if it's negative. I couldn't wait anymore, my nerves were working on me and It has bern such a ling time that I  have been asking for an emotional release. A release of that part of my life to be over so I can start enjoying my life, the storm of Mayhem affected me and our girls in such a way tht I sometimes felt that maybe I was better off being murdered d rom a past realationship as that would have been such a faster action then be continuosly tortured by  deceitefulness, lies, bullying, for unexplained reasons.  I can't really start my forgiveness work and let go of the negativity that I was feeling. Unless something good came out of it not to mention that my health was in poor condition at that time so my emotions and thoughts of possibly being hit by a long illness was eating me up alive.

With just looking at the envelope, my tears were already coming down before I even touched it. I felt like I was receiving a letter from the devil himself. I held it towards my stomach, cried and asked God to please give me the strength to deal with this letter Mayhem sent. I opened it while trembling, my heart was beating fast. It was almost like being re-traumatized. "What is it that this man had to say that he has not said already?" I peeked in the letter and I took a huge sigh "Ahhhhhhhh, then the sigh started to evolve into a big laughter, "Hhaaaaaahahaaahaaaaahaaaaaa! "Hay Dios Mio, this man is gonna kill me!" This was one of  his evil angry letters! He's actually getting married within a week or so and he is thinking on how he can "hoderme" (screw with me) not through words regarding his new life but by how much he hated me, how much I owed him for our daughter's school and he even graciously planned out lets just say a"Starve bitch and give me all your money, I don't give a fuck about whats going on with you health!" kind of payment plan. Laughter and tears all at the same time. Well that was a first for me. I felt such a fool to think and still have that hope that he was the man my girls and I once new.
I had 2 Oncologists seeing me, having Surgery in August of 2012, becauuse of sporadic body convulsions, Jade was going through her stressors of her dad being inconsistent in his visits not to mention her worries about me and on top of that dealing with her issues that come with being an adolesence. If he was hoping to get fear out of me, he would have had to wait in line because my health and issues with my Jade and those thibgs were so much more important then insults and intimidation. All the envelope did was play me a fool once again, but as much hate Mayhem has in his heart, I will continue to ask God to help me forgive for the sake of our beautiful daughters.

Letters To My Daughters-2

Hello my girls,

I want to share a moment with you both. here I am writing about things that happened in our past. on how our lives turned upside down but I can't help think on how things are the way they should be. Alex, I don't think you would have been where you are today if our lives didn't change. You have turned into this amazing young Lady and I am so proud and honored to be your mom. your creativeness, your confidence and passion for life reminds me of me when I had that same passion. you my oldest daughter are my hero and inspiration. I wish you all the love in the world. jade, you are my thinker, my beautiful smiley Jade. I can't help but to think on what a team you and I have become within the last couple of years. your joy is my joy, your hurts are my hurts. you have always demonstrated to be this young older  chickie. you have an old soul and that is so beautiful to have because you will always have the heart of the innocence yet, you understand on how cruel the world can be. as Alex shuts off the negative, you embrace it and see if you can change its shape, but you never let it change you and that is what so amazing about you.

My girls, Life is too short and you must take advantage of the beauty that surrounds you and take advantage of what life has to offer. keep thinking positive thoughts, never change and keep your lives in motion.

I love you Elephant Much

Your momma
Besos y abrazos

I Love you Elephant Much - A storm I call Mayhem-4

I can not lie, by this time my anger took over me. He  didn't want his daughters to be apart of her wedding then so be it. While my anger was increasing, his guilt was taunting him.  He felt guilty enough to pick them up a couple of times that week, after not seeing them in almost two months. It wasn't because he was working over-time, as his job gives him the flexibility to work once every four days. All of a sudden he was back to seeing his daughters, Whatever he did my oldest could not forgive him but my youngest was young enough to forgive and forget until he forgot them again. It took a couple of back to back visits to reclaim his role, but then he stopped. I kept looking around the house for cameras cuz the way he was talking about me to others on how I did not let him see the kids was a joke. Is this what divorced couples go through? His interest was based more of my perception of his trick then his lack of being a father. Really? I felt like I was back in high school, dealing with one of those guys you knew was going to be a loser. I could not believe it because I don't know who this man is? I felt like I was in a reality show. I was becoming bitter and had hate in my heart for this man. Enough was enough! My daughters would call him but he had every excuse including my all time favorite excuse, it would go something like this; my daughter's would call and ask, " Hi pa, are you picking us up this week? Here it goes my reada's, wait for it, wait for it....."ughhhhh, Sorry baby, I'm working?" Uhmmmmm, yeah, your a firefighter dude, you don't work everyday!

It was the month of the wedding, Surprise! He starts coming around, gee I wondered why? I didn't refuse his children to go with him. Alex was already in college. Sami said, "Don't worry mom, I'm not going to titi's wedding." At the time, as much as I wished that were true as after awhile I thought to myself, that Maria was an adult and she was contributing to his behaviors, I knew that this day was her day but I was too angry to think about her and Jade was angry too. At that moment I couldn't be the better person. i had to teach my daughter that it was not ok to live in his lies, I mean, what if she met a man like that in her future. People may say that I was corrupting my daughters mind about her father, Fuck that! I was preparing and showing her on how to be her own advocate because if her own father was going to take her as a fool then what is that saying about the men she is going to meet in her future. I could not protect a man that was malicious, that caused unnecessary drama! no more excuses! punto y final!  That afternoon I received a picture from Mayhem, it was  a picture of my ex-brother-in-law hugging my daughter in a pretty dress at the wedding. I laughed because it was his way of saying, Fuck you. I was soooo very angry at him, because he uses me as his target practice each time he feels he has to justify his actions. clearly, I was his rag doll. It was so funny because earlier that week he told me that he was not going to his sister's wedding and pulled one of his lies. Yet at the same breath always telling me to trust him. Whatever dude! sell that to your trick, not me.

Jade was dropped off the next day, her dad kept calling her to see if she was ok? hmmmm....I wondered why he would do that? That made me even more angrier because he wanted the satisfaction of hearing her say that I was not ok. He celebrated moments such as this. For the life of me, I couldn't understand why he kept on targeting me. Jade did not even know how to look at me. I was livid! And like a two year old I went off on her. I said things to her that I would never say in different circumstances. I was out of control, I demeaned her dad, I told her most of what I knew about his trick and her secrets, I called them names, I was so angry but not at her. I was like a derailed trained and had no control of what I was saying. Jade did not deserve me to bite at her and let out the poison that was brewing in me. I know that I did wrong and I stooped to his level. He has had power over me for too long and I had to figure out a way to become the person I was meant to be through the grace of God, not by the hand of the devil. I know that I hurt my daughter, Jade, and til this day I will forever be sorry.  I wanted to be the person I used to be, I was confident, strong minded, a go getter, I had faith, I was a good person but instead I was losing myself and I being molded into someone I myself didn't like. "Help me God, Please." But I felt no connection.

*As a side note, Jade's phone must have been on during my negative moment with her because Mayhem used it as a trophy and showed it off to all that he could influence that I was bitch. Some believed him, I lost family members, others called me to say that they loved us both. I never accepted anyone saying that they were on my side. What for? What was the purpose?*


I am an educated Latina woman with a Masters degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and all I seek for is a sense of internal comfort and faith I once had. These writings are my own personal journey in seeking solace, truth in hopes to find the path that I was meant follow.

My writings entails anger, sadness, love, mystery, maybe a little bit of comedy and the unknown and alhough I'm an educated woman I can not make it any more clearer to say that I am also a human being with feelings. I am myself when I write and I write as I speak, just as I do in my every day life. I do not try to be someone I am not. So the reader may come across ebonics, Spanglish, texting modalities, romance-well more like poor-mance (made up word! Lol), some cursing depending on the circumstance, betrayal, illness, forgiveness and gratitude. This will not be easy wrting for me but I want to share this part of a difficult journey that entailed loss, anger, and just unneccesary drama like a novela (soap opera).

I Love You Elephant Much -A Storm I Call Mayhem 3

After our divorce, the first few months was amicable and peaceful, until he changed and became absent to his daughters, they were suffering and so was I. Not until recently, I began understanding why my life was trickling downward. I realized that the day Mayhem invited the devil into our home, he finally took his invitation. The essence of hurt, anger loss, weakness and the lack of faith I had in God was enough for the devil to begin his work of destruction for me and my girls. I no longer had the power of faith in me. I lost my faith for all of us, for Mayhem, for my girls and for me and when things  started to spiral down, the house we lived in was darkening and things started happening like most of my appliances was breaking down, walls were peeling, floods were occurring, my car was totaled twice, my health started declining, my jobs went from three to two, to no job. Mayhem was destroying us thru his venom, his evil, negative lies and his abandonment to his girls. I knew that he had help and I knew that he himself was in trouble. He was not the man we knew, because the man we knew would not treat us in an all of a sudden evil and negligent way, but he was influenced by the devil himself and he was oblivious to the pain he caused us, he was a murderer of everything true.

Thanksgiving of 2009, would have been their first thanksgiving with their dad as the girls were going to spend it with his mother. But After several emails I sent to him he either avoided or responded with excuses, I knew something was up. My girls and I saw his mom as we celebrated Alex's 16th birthday at her apartment, she asked me to make sure the girls spent Thanksgiving with her as she was returning back to Puerto Rico. Finally, after several attempts, he and I agreed to the girls being with him and his mom. On the day of Thanksgiving,  he never showed. Instead, my girls waited and waited at my aunts house. They kepted asking me, " Mom, what happened to dad? Grandma is probably waiting for us." In my attempt to have our girls spend time with their grandmother, I called his mother and told her I would take the girls but there was a pause. She said to me "don wordy avbout it, Mayhem will bring dem anoda day." Not to worry about it? My gut told me otherwise. he was there and he was not alone, meanwhile our girls were waiting, they were disappointed. How could another woman with children allow this to occur? The juvenile actions taken to protect themselves, and for what? to break the hearts of children? My children. I thought to myself, how fucking disrespectful to insult me in thinking that I did not know what was going on. Why would an ex-mother-in-law allow that to happen to her grandchildren, I guess the apple did not fall far from the tree. Why would a father do that to his children and why would his trick think that it would be ok to do this to another family, did she not want the attention to be taken away from her and her own children (not related to Mayhem)? Holy shit! This shit just got real! Do they not understand on how the Law of Karma works? You do not mess with one of God's children, and that included mine.

I had Mayhem's number and each time Mayhem got busted in his calculated lies and hid from his children, that's when he amazingly rose from the dead and became that victim, making me his spawn for his excuses of why he wasn't seeing his daughters. It was becoming ugly. He continued to call attempt to take to court, had lawyers call me, I mean he worked so hard in wanting the judge to find me guilty of something when all he had to do is see his children. The money and efforts he took each time he his guilt knawed at him for not being that loving, consistant father was killing him, it was eating him up inside but he chose to transfer his anger from himself to me, he himself could not live with the fact that he has become exactly what hesaid he would never be, but he could not take that responsibility, he had to put it on me. As a result, he paid for a lawyer to harrass me, so he could see his girls. I would tell his lawyer that I was confused because he was the one that was absent from their lives, I never once told them they could not see there father. But our conversation was not a pretty one as she was harassing me, I was not going to allow some lawyer who is getting paid probably $250 an hour or more by Mayhem who needed a body guard to bark at me. Hell No! I felt almost like a superhero changing from this angry mom to a strong advocate. This lawyer never seen me coming. She thought I was one of these mean woman that was going to shiver from her dragon breath.  In the end I told her, "If you think that I am one of those street women that is going to bow down to you because your threats to take me to court, you got something coming, let me explain something, your methods do not influence me what so ever, Tell Mayhem to take responsibility and see his children and stop being a fucking drama queen!  The lawyer was quiet, she hung up and I took a deep breath,, Shit was getting uglier by the minute!

One night I received a message on my yahoo account and it was my ex-sister-in-law telling me she was getting married. I congratulated her and asked on why she has not shared that with her brother. "What are you talking about? He is going to walk me down the isle." I proceeded to tell her that according to Mayhem, he was  not speaking to her nor did he know what was going on in her life. I told her that he and I just went to see a college in Rhode Island with our girls and when we asked about her, he said "If I didn't speak to her while we were married, what makes you think I speak to her now?" She said, "Miranda, we have been planning my wedding for around a year, I was reaching out to you because I had to ask his trick if her  daughter could be in my wedding because you did not allow your girls!" why would you do that? no matter what, we are still family." At this time I was infuriated! His lies were creating chaos and I didn't not understand why he would leave his children out of his life. I explained to her that I had no idea and if she still wanted the girls to be apart of her day, that I was okay with it.

The next morning, the girls went into Jade's room closed the door and asked me not to come in the room. I knew they were going to confront him about it. Meanwhile, my ex sister-Inlaw called me to ask if I had spoken to him because he was texting her on the other line threatening her to fix the story with his girls or he was not going to walk her down the aisle. I knew how important this was for Maria as she was another victim of Mayhem who really never showed compassion or love towards his sister. She always felt emotionally abandoned by her dad, her mom and within the last few years, her brother Mayhem. She was hungry for his love and attention. The girls and I frequently visited her. She and I always had a love hate relationship but in my eyes, family was family and I wanted the girls to know their aunt and cousins. She was fun to be with, she was creative and had alot of love to give, but she was lost in her own emotions. She could not let go of her past demons, she was always running from them. I cared about her and so did my family, thats why when she told me of his threat, I knew on how much it meant for her for him to be at her wedding.  I knew that he meant what he said to her. I loved her and wanted her to have her day peacefully and if just for one moment, I wanted her to be happy with her brother, yet my daughters pleading to their dad to tell them the truth about having his trick's child in their only paternal aunt's wedding. He came up with a last minute excuse telling them that it was a last minute decision. They were so hurt. They knew he was lying. I tried to walk into the room and calm them down but Alex kicked me out. Jade took over the phone, thinking she can get her dad to tell her the truth as she always had this special connection with him. I sat outside the door with the house phone on one ear listening to my ex sister-in-law crying about her nieces hurts and pains and her worry about her brother not being part of her day while my other ear was listening to my youngest begging her dad to be truthful and crying out to him that he no longer thought of them first. I fell unto the floor, told Maria that I was sorry but I had to hang up. I cried out quietly to God to help my daughters, to give them the strength that I did not have for them as I was angered by his dreadful evil lies. It felt like a loss. Like someone the girls and I whom we loved dearly just died. Our day was ruined and it took all night for all of us to calm down, our day was ruined, I could not give the girls a reason for his behaviors, his lies, his change in priorities. To think that he thought he could live two lives, I may have been taken as a fool, but not my daughters, they knew that the man they always looked up to was long gone and they were lost in their own emotions, confused and angered all at the same time. Their dad no longer saw them as his priority, they were no longer his primary reason for living, they were just there..........he's gone ma, he's gone.

Letters to My Daughters-1

September  2010

Dear Alex,
 Today is an important day for you. You are on your way to college. Me, you, your sister and grandma had a hell of a night. We missed our flight because of a court date. Sleeping in the airport floor from 6:30pm last evening until 11am this morning was not fun but it was a journey. A type of crisis that I have always been used to confronting but never in a million years did I think I was going to do this alone with you. Nor did I ever imagine the reason on why you would leave so far away to go to school. This  is suppose to be a fun glorious moment but instead it became an all around sad moment in which I take partial blame. Although my heart is breaking because you are leaving, I want you to know that I support your decision you are making in your life. You  are only 17 years old, in my biased opinion too young to launch from home, but the guilt in me and the difficulty in letting you go has now become part of me.

As I am looking at you sleeping in the plane, on our way to your destination, I can not help but to think of the day God first brought you into our lives.  You were placed directly on my chest coming straight out of my womb. You were so perfect! Sucking your fingers and staring right at me with your big brown eyes, I knew I would always remember that moment. I remember taking a deep breathe while closing my eyes to only open them and realize that you were for real. God sent us a true angel. Your dad was so nervous, we both cried because we could not believe that you were part of the both of us and we could not imagine anything more beautiful in our lives.  It was that day that I made a silent promise to you, that I will always be there to protect you, love you, guide you and support you. I know that it is during this time that I may have temporarily broken one of my promises. A moment I can never take back but I will be forever in the mercy of my God. Although it is difficult for me to see and feel that God has already forgiven me but for now it is unfortunate that my faith has been swallowed by seeing you and your sister hurt and for the first time I feel defeated.  I can promise you, that this feeling won't last long as I remember the words of a man that once upon a time loved us all dearly at the same time. He said "You are a strong woman, and you will get back on your feet." I hope he's right because if that is so, then you my darling daughter come from a line of strong Puerto Rican women and I know that you will be successful in anything you do in your life.

For now, good-by my dear beautiful snufalufikas, your nickname from me. I hope that your experiences in college will bring you peace and help you repair the hole you have in your heart. have fun, be safe and learn a lot.

I Love You Elephant much,


Your momma!
Besos y Abrasos

I Love You Elephant Much- A storm, I call Mayhem -2

Mayhem hit us hard and the remninince of this storm was devastating.  Just like a tornado twisting and turning, sucking up part of the earth, destroying people's homes, cars, and a life they worked so hard to build, Mayhem twisted tales, swallowed our trust, ate up our roles as the individuals we represented and then he spued out what I can only call a curse. The girls and I were in a whirlwind of emotions with confusion, sadness and anger. So much of it poisoned our lives. Whatever we were experiencing was happening all to fast. I had no control, I was slipping away and I was afraid of not knowing where that was going to leave our beautiful daughters? Our precious oldest, Alex, who is caring, creative, strong willed, independent, family oriented, porcelain looking doll with beautiful chestnut brown curls standing about 5'2 at the time. Alex was just starting her teenage years in an environment that gave her no choice but to grow up in a rapid state.  She was shy of sixteen years old and left to college in a whim to get away from her broken heart.  Then there is our youngest, who was our beautiful, smiley, loving, selfless Jade. She always thought of happy thoughts, singing and dancing around the house. She was only 11 years old at the time. I was so very broken because she was affected by the ugliness most of all. I thought to myself, how can God put us through this? Then I remembered one day me talking with Mayhem about faith and he angrily screamed "I INVOKE THE DEVIL TO COME TO THIS HOUSE!" I was hurt, I cried out to him, "WHY WOULD SAY THAT? aND WHY? THAT IS THE MOST TERRIBLE THING YOU COULD SAY TO ME, GOD IS WHO I GO TO, YOU KNOW THAT!!" "FUCK GOD! he screamed out. I thought to myself, how do I help him? I ran upstairs crying and screaming out on my deck. I screamed at God. I was so devastated that my throat hurt, my chest felt caved in and I felt like I was carrying a ton of bricks on my back. As for Mayhem, he quietly returned to his video game. A game he has been playing for over five years now. His 15-20 hour game has contributed to his isolation from us. At first he distanced himself from his family, then distanced himself from most of my family, then distanced himself from me and the girls. Nothing mattered but his video games, his focus was on him and his video games. He even purchased a Japanese vocabulary book to communicate with the people he was playing with. He was so into his game that on a day of Alex's band show, where she played the tuba, he did not attend because he was planning a wedding with another player. Alex was so disappointed, but I went with Jade and while Jade and I were experiencing Alex's first show, where here little body was holding on to that big tuba, my tears were coming down because he was missing it all. I knew that Alex felt bad about it too. A week later she quit the band. I can't say if its because she lost interest or because she felt unsupported but I know this, if her two parents were routing for her, Alex would have had a better chance in staying with the band.

The video playing was getting worse, she was turning 15 and I have been trying to talk to Mayhem about put together a quince party for her but he was so uninterested, he was so lost in his game that even when she went up  to him to ask him about her birthday, he kept telling her to wait. Well we waited until the day of  her birthday. He was still playing his game. I asked Alex on what she would like to do for her birthday and she was so disappointed and said "whatever mom." and then sighed.  She invited one of her cousins, Nicole, her sister and I went to Red Lobster. it. Before leaving the house, Alex gave her father a big hug, she said, "You should come dad," but he was on his recliner playing his video game. "Ok, baby, have fun!" Not even an eye to eye look at his daughter's face. Jade also said goodbye, as for me, I stared at him and asked him quietly with tears in my eyes, "Can you please go, it's her 15th birthday, please." He said "NOPE!" I then pleaded, "I will stay home and you can go with them." He stayed quiet playing his game. I put my hand on his shoulder, gave him a kiss on his head and said "I hope you don't regret this, I really wish you would go...." He just shrugged his shoulders. The girls were already  in the car waiting for me, I wiped my tears, locked the house door behind me and off we went to celebrate Alex's 15th birthday.

Continue-3
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I Love You Elephant Much- A storm, I call Mayhem -1

He was a man with core values and morals, we were together for 19 years and met in the summer of 1989. He was in the military and volunteered to go to Saudi Arabia, Operation Desert Storm in mid 1990 for nine months returning in August of 1991. Upon his return, we lived together, and had our first daughter in 1992 and our second daughter in 1997 and finally, we were married in 1998. Although he asked me to marry him as soon as he returned from Desert Storm, I was not ready, I came from a divorced family and was cautious. He had my biological dad's first name and I had my mother's first name. I thought to myself, this is too weird. I wanted to take my time and enjoy our relationship, I know he took it to offense that I was not ready to marry him but he was willing to wait and I was grateful for his patience. During our time together with our children he was initially a stay home dad, he was a good dad. His children was his life but as time went on, he developed a sense of anger, and sadly, I could never figure it out. I wanted to save him but little did I know that my actions, my successes, my motivation contributed to him distancing himself from us, but I wasn't the only one contributing to his distant behaviors.

As time past, he began criticizing those who were different. He criticized people who made and stayed in their let's say unhealthy choices in their lives such as, his youngest brother, Edwin, who was once upon a time in a street gang. Edwin always looked up to him. He'd come over to the apartment and shared stories about the mischievous behaviors he and his friends displayed around the community, hanging out and making noise so people knew who he and his boys were. Edwin would talk about the experiences he had with women he would say, "Yo, I hit some serious skins boooooy!" I would laugh because he was such a dork and that's how he always decribed having sex with some chick. Nevertheless, he was a sweet kid and I loved him. His stories may have not been appropriate nor would I usually engage in such a conversation that entailed titi's and ass but he was my brother-in-law at the time and I knew that his stories was also an attempt to gain the attention from his oldest brother. Trying to impress us with potraying himself as being this "Mac Daddy" while trying to connect with his brother in do things with him, like fishing or do side jobs that entailed flooring. His brother was trying so hard to capture his attention. "Come on bro! you ain't doing shit here!" We'll have a couple of beers and hang out but the job is hard yo, Miranda won't mind? Right Miranda?" I said "No, as long as those hootchie mamas you hang out with wont be there! anyway, he needs to get out of the house, so I can cook and clean!" go babe, hang out with your brother." My brother-in-law hugged me and whispered in my ear, "You know he's lucky to have you and he doesn't even know it.' I slapted his arm and shouted "shut up!" and we both smiled looking at his brother, his brother scratched and nodded his head and said Nahhhh.... next time bro, next time." His brother and I looked at each other and smiled again but with a sort of, it was a good try look. Edwin never gave up on trying to win his brother's heart, he's like me, a fighter, we had faith that this man we loved will soon wake up and love us as much as we loved him. We were patient and seeing the gleam in Edwin's eyes each time he attempted to communicate and engage his oldest brother. it was almost kind of sad as I knew how his brother really thought of him. Nevertheless, his disappointments of Edwin's lifestyle and others he disapproved of were uncaring and sometimes shameful. He criticized Edwin for who he was and the type of women he was seeing, he criticized these women because they had tattoos and he would call them a whore, he critized men that left their wives at home while gallavanting with other women and never being there for their children, he criticized me when I would take a day off from one of my jobs to stay home with my family, he criticized my cooking, he criticized all those types of judgmental characteristics that ironically, he now embraces in his life including embracing one of Edwin's past tricks, (a manipulative woman) she had relations with his niece's girlfriend's brother,  and one of my family members.  I definitely feel that since she was a previous friend where she trusted me with her dirt and her life secrets, was the secretary in an agency I worked for several years,  my daughters would come to my job and help her organize, teach her to answer the phone, she met my ex-husband twice who specifically told me that she looked like ghetto trash, then getting together with him and sharing her biggest secret of embezzlement but playing the victim of her calculated life errors, hmmmm..... I have to laugh, and there is so much more that it is sooo yummy, but I won't, I will let God handle the rest. However, I can't help but to give her some credit for the chaos my daughters and I went through a couple of years ago.  My ex was the greatest teacher in warning me about people like her. Funny how life is, one becomes exactly what one speaks ill of. Thats why it is said that the mouth is the biggest brujeria. What he considered trash has become part of his life, in addition to, me knowing her secrets and the lies he spreaded about me was the way they formed there bond and vindication, he immediately became her protector and with a dose of his own feelings of self disappointments, together they formed an unnecessary war and my daughters and I were the targets.

Listen, my anger was not that he moved on or changed his life but it was how his changes brought darkness into our lives. Impulsiveness dictated his decisions resulting in lying, manifesting into vindictive behaviors, extended foul language towards me and our girls. His absence from his daughters and almost immediate protection of a woman he just met was unbelievable. I knew this woman and I knew her history including her dealings with brujeria. This man went missing for weeks then when he thought of his girls, I would automatically get a call from a lawyer, harassing me to allow him to see his girls. I was in awe that before my very eyes, this man was manifesting into a man That I could not believe was related to my daughters. His abusive language was scaring my girls, scaring all of us. His ill behaviors mimicked regression, aggression, unacceptable selfish impulses made by a man who disguised himself of being someone my daughters and I never knew existed. Come to think of it, or did we? Nevertheless, being divorced to a man that recreated himself affected our daughters and I to the point of mental and physical destruction. He was a storm, a storm I call Mayhem.