NOVEMBER 2012
My fifth , sixth time that Mayhem takes me to court in 3 years. Within the three years he has sent me several certified letters to two different locations. As soon I would see his thick ass envelopes my stomach would turn. I thought to myself, sheeesh! What does he want now? I was exhausted mentally and physically because I was already working on being mentally prepared to be in the moment with my daughter. This was something I had to do every single day. It was a struggle and these types of comnunication from Mayhem was usually written in a form of vendiction, anger and hate. Keeping my self healthy physically and mentally was difficult enough and he just added to my already challenving life. Each time I heard from him in this manner was too much for me to handle. Mayhem's letters were written as if he himself was a lawyer to try to intimidate me. However, he played this role soo many times that it has over played itself. Whether he realized it or not, he was catagorized as one of my biggest bullies in my life. I can smell a bully a mile away and the essence of his letters had an evil scent increasing my levels of stress and nausea not of intimidation but out of exhaustion.
I have to admit and I am sure many can resonate with what I am about to embarrassingly write but I was blessed and cursed with a "What if" sense, I call my 7th sense that encourages me to turn the other cheeck but each time I do this, I become a fool. For example, In early June of 2012, prior to taking Jade to Six Flags, I was in a great mood. While driving in the car my daughter hands me a thick envelope her dad asked her to give me. Knowing that he was going to get married within a week or so I somehow fooled myself in thinking that this was a closure letter, maybe an apology or something positive. I didn't want to open it and held on to it just incase I was wrong. I didn't want to ruin one of the days I was feeling healthy and I wanted to fully be there for my daughter. An hour later my daughter wanted to go to six flags with some friends of mine first then have me join her a little later as I had to get our things together at home. As soon as I dropped her off, I looked at the thick envelope, prayed that the envelope was filled with positivity as I was hopeful that the symbol of his wedding was one of anew, fullfillment, happiness and love so I knew this letter that I was holding could not be of anything else but about his happiness and good wishes for me n how he wants to fully be in his daughters lives. Seriously, how can anyone getting married who claims to be happy have any room for thoughts of anger, thoughts of me, even if it's negative. I couldn't wait anymore, my nerves were working on me and It has bern such a ling time that I have been asking for an emotional release. A release of that part of my life to be over so I can start enjoying my life, the storm of Mayhem affected me and our girls in such a way tht I sometimes felt that maybe I was better off being murdered d rom a past realationship as that would have been such a faster action then be continuosly tortured by deceitefulness, lies, bullying, for unexplained reasons. I can't really start my forgiveness work and let go of the negativity that I was feeling. Unless something good came out of it not to mention that my health was in poor condition at that time so my emotions and thoughts of possibly being hit by a long illness was eating me up alive.
With just looking at the envelope, my tears were already coming down before I even touched it. I felt like I was receiving a letter from the devil himself. I held it towards my stomach, cried and asked God to please give me the strength to deal with this letter Mayhem sent. I opened it while trembling, my heart was beating fast. It was almost like being re-traumatized. "What is it that this man had to say that he has not said already?" I peeked in the letter and I took a huge sigh "Ahhhhhhhh, then the sigh started to evolve into a big laughter, "Hhaaaaaahahaaahaaaaahaaaaaa! "Hay Dios Mio, this man is gonna kill me!" This was one of his evil angry letters! He's actually getting married within a week or so and he is thinking on how he can "hoderme" (screw with me) not through words regarding his new life but by how much he hated me, how much I owed him for our daughter's school and he even graciously planned out lets just say a"Starve bitch and give me all your money, I don't give a fuck about whats going on with you health!" kind of payment plan. Laughter and tears all at the same time. Well that was a first for me. I felt such a fool to think and still have that hope that he was the man my girls and I once new.
I had 2 Oncologists seeing me, having Surgery in August of 2012, becauuse of sporadic body convulsions, Jade was going through her stressors of her dad being inconsistent in his visits not to mention her worries about me and on top of that dealing with her issues that come with being an adolesence. If he was hoping to get fear out of me, he would have had to wait in line because my health and issues with my Jade and those thibgs were so much more important then insults and intimidation. All the envelope did was play me a fool once again, but as much hate Mayhem has in his heart, I will continue to ask God to help me forgive for the sake of our beautiful daughters.
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