I Love You Elephant Much - my venting process (2009)

This “I Love You a Elephant Much” writing represents not only the cues that I missed as a wife but how the issues manifested and carried over to our divorce. No matter the anger, hate, or emotional deficiencies my family and I were experiencing, I had to hang on to what little bit of hope I had, even through what I felt was the worst of the worst in our relationship. The most difficult thought process I had was that I knew one day I had to make a conscious choice to one day go on a journey of forgiveness and make it part of this writing. This is a glimpse, more like a chapter of one of my life experiences.  Please note that this is not a book of an angry Puerto Rican woman. No, do not get it twisted my reada! It’s a book about a once upon a time lost, bewildered and pissed off Puerto Rican woman who couldn't live with anger and hate in her heart and the struggle it was to even begin the process of not only forgiving others but forgiving myself.

What I am about to introduce is not what I am feeling now but it is  a silly poem I put together in 2009 which sums up what I was feeling during one of my angry moments I was struggling to find balance so I wrote the following in my diary as a way for me to vent. this is certainly not part of the journey to forgiveness but it was a part of anger, hate and vengeance that was not healthy for me or my children.

First came love, then came marriage, then came the babies in a baby carriage……
How exciting it was to be new parents,
to love each other and  share moments of laughter and sadness.....
But then came challenges and the family was in shambles
one wanted out because family life was too much to handle….
One went to school and worked 3 jobs at one time,
while the other played their Xbox all through the night….
Then disconnection between them grew faster, faster than some of our nation's biggest natural disasters.
I guess expectations were too high and battles were warranted, but instead of making peace one became vindictive and left us very taunted….

So as they chose to leave and claim boo hoo………
They forgot about their past and who else they left too….
It was ok for the most part  because the children were educated with morals and values….
They knew not to take sides between the two, as they knew they were children of two pharaohs….
but  life became a little bit sad
when the one who left took their time to reconnect with their clan…
And while they were away and were living happy as a clam....
The children became angrier every minute and he didn't even give a dam.....
The oldest left to school to leave the chaotic life and her hurt and anger manifested day and night…..
Her anxieties and love for the missing parent grew stronger everyday….
but she hid it with her power of cutting people off just like the one who left that day…...
She is a trooper and a true survivor the very day she was released from  the woumb……
That’s why the one who stayed keeps a close eye on her incase her days become blue….
 The one who stayed cares for the youngest child as well in such a maternal way……
 and is proud of the difficulties she faced head-on, on her own, even until today………
But unfortunately the one that stayed can't help her youngest fight her demons away……
The youngest  becomes angry and hurt when she realizes  she can not fix the one that left her sight that day…….
 and even though she visits him from time to time……
 she comes home sad and anxious as her once hero's new life is to her demise…
 She is now working on self awareness and self differentiation, bendito the child is seeking peace and salvation….
The one that stayed struggles with making everything right. They too had made mistakes but have learned to balance hers and  her children's lives.....

We both made mistakes along the way…..
but it’s the path where we learn the wrongs and the rights that makes us who we are today……
In the end life is actually the way it should be…..
In hopes that the one that left make different choices, choices that will make our children happy........
If guilt, shame or regrets or anger does not go away, then that’s a choice they would have to live with for the rest of their days……….
Meanwhile, the children grow each and everyday
and for now faith and forgiveness is what makes each day great.......
So the one who stayed provides that peace and tranquility  in the kids home for their sake......
 in hopes that the one who left realizes one day that they made a big HUMONGUS mistake.......

Written by Marline Cosme (Ave Maria Marline Series)