It could have been me- I didn't know what I was thinking (4)

He hit me with the car. My face felt like it cracked in, my body swung back to my feet. I couldn't breath from the blood, the saliva and my attempt to scream. I remembered that I couldn't breath from the bang I just received from the left headlight of the car. I was in pain, he sopped right on time. I couldn't tell if I was dying or if I was already dead. All of a sudden I heard footsteps, "you back for more mother fucker!" I tried to act tough but was gurgling on my own saliva and blood. The crunching of the rocks stuck out like someone scratching their finger nails on a blackboard. He kneeled down and laughed while staring at me. "Wow babe your body can bend like that? Na.. na...I can't kill you today, your turning me on. He lifted me up, got me to stand and held me up until we got  to the car. He placed me in the car as if I was a helpless child. One of my eyes were closed and I could only see with a pin view. By this time, I knew what he wanted. As soon as he got into the car he said, "I'm sorry babe, but you pissed me off. I was planing a surprise for you but it didn't work out. That's why it took me so long to get home." He went on and on and all I could do is dread the ride home and dread the moment we get to the house but nothing was more disgusting than him putting me to bed.

As soon as we got home He took me to the bathroom and sat me down the toilet so I can take a shower. He grabbed a t-shirt and told me to clean up and meet him in the room. I had to hold on to the wall and walk my way to the shower. I could see my shadow and it reminded me of a wounded soldier bday wounded so much so that the soldier had his knees and upper body bent. I came up to a mirror and sink and saw myself through my tears, and through a small peephole left of one eye. "this cant b me, What do I do God, Why am I so attached to this monster." I saw an image of death waiting for me. I myself looked like a monster, and with all the strength I had, I rushed as fast as I could to the shower to try to erase what Pito has done. But I couldn't, my body was in pain. All of a sudden I heard, "Babe! Hurry up,I'm gonna put on a movie!" With all my might, I said "ok, I'm almost done" trying not to cry but as soon as he closed the bathroom door the flood gates opened and I couldn't stop crying.

To be continued...

letters To My Daughters- All is Happening To Fast

06/27/13

Dear Alex,
Yesterday you called me and you sounded stressed, tired, grumpy. You seemed to have a lot going on and have a lot on your mind. Listening to your voice was almost like listening to mine. We Libras seem to want to accomplish so much, we are determined creatures and want to prove to ourselves that we can do anything. Yet we sometimes forget to nurture our own souls. when we get too busy in our lives worrying about things that really do not matter as much as we matter to ourselves, we can sometimes get lost. Your life, is happening to fast. Take it from a woman that has gone down that very same path. Enjoy what you do, get to know yourself, who you really are as a person, as much as You know what your strengths are, learn and build on your weaknesses,  allow yourself to look around and observe the life around you so you would not get blind sided by deceit and unhealthy individuals that do not wish you well.  Take the time to prioritize your life, give thanks and the rest will follow.  I know sometimes you see me and you may see disappointment and I can only I apologize for the rest of my life but I have faith that time will heal all wounds and God has forgiven us all. God has a destiny for me just like he has a destiny for you too.  For now, please do not hide the inequities, open your eyes and your mind to only good things, follow your dream with ease and fate will carry you to your true destiny.

I love you with all my heart Alex and I am so proud the woman you are becoming.

May God watch over you always,

I love you Elephant Much.
Mom

it Could Have Been Me - I Didn't Know What I Was Thinking (3)

He finally stopped and threw me in the car. I felt like a puppet as he positioned my head and placed my legs in the car. With one eye barely able to see, I observed him looking in front of the car and back of the car, I can only imagine it was to make sure no one was looking. He shut the car door on my side, walked around the car, got in and started to drive. He drove with such ease. I felt physically weak, I couldn't even turn my head as my body felt heavy and little by little I was leaning on him. I could feel myself drooling while tasting what I think was blood in my mouth. At a stop light he push me upright and with his right hand he grabbed my hair to keep my head straight up. I started whimpering when I saw we were not going back to the house. "no, no, no, no, no, please......," He turned on the music to drown out my voice. All of a sudden he turned off the radio and that's when I heard the crunching of what seemed to be rocks below the car while Pito was driving. It was dark, all I could see was what the headlights were gleaming at. To me it was like looking into a peek hole but with pain. My eyes were swollen, wet from the tears and blood dripping down my cheeks and on my clothes. My nose was full of mucous and blood. His quietness scared me and he was taking me somewhere that seemed familiar but my head was pounding and I couldn't focus. All of a sudden he stops the car. "Don't fucking move until I tell you too, he faked punched me, I screamed. "Noooo!" He came close to my face and said "Ima kill you bitch!" I was shaking out of fear. He left the car on, got out of the car and left the door open, walked in front of the car and started looking around. My guess was to see if anyone was around witnessing Pito physically abusing me. I can hear water and as I lifted my head I can see a bridge. It's the Whitestone bridge. This was a special place for me as I got a flashback of my paternal grandfather bringing me and my brother here on picnics with one of my uncles who was a year younger than me. The very few times I was able to spend with them. I started thinking of the rest of my family and what would happen to them if they found out that I was missing and dead. 

The man that's in front of my car is a monster, I didn't understand on why I was with him as I didn't even love him. My heart wasn't feeling broken it was my body that was feeling fear. I heard crunching noises, the sound of him returning to the car, my face was already towards the open door on the driver's side. I was waiting for him to walk towards his side of the car but instead my car door opened. He grabbed my body and all of a sudden my adreneline kicked in.I held onto what I could to stay in my car I even tried breaking the stick shift thinking if he's gonna kill me then he ain't going nowhere and the car will have to stay here. I tried to 
grab the keys out of the ignition and threw them outside. He got me out of the car, carried me and placed me a few feet away from my car. The headlights beamed right at us. "Kneel!" He said with this demonic voice. I asked him, "Why? What are you going to do Pito!" His eyes said it all. His body language was firm, and intentional. He was about to murder me. "I said kneel!" He shouted out with his spit hitting my face, I told him "No! You are going to have to make me, you fucking crazy bastard!" I figured if I was going to die, I might as well tell him how I felt. I had on shorts, he grabbed my shoulder to try to push me down we struggle for awhile until he kicked me behind my knees which forced me to fall on my knees. As soon as I hit the ground, the river rocks dug right into my knees. He made me stand up so he could kick in my knees again and again until I could stand up any more. He the then positioned my body to kneel in front of my car. He was measuring the height of my face then would go to the car to measure the height of the lights that were in front of the car. He drove the car slowly Puto my face. He repositioned me again. At this point I was confused, he was daunting me. My mouth was shivering and I was petrified. I screamed at him, " Do already!" That's when he got in the car, drove backwards about 15-20 feet away, waited about 20-30 seconds and pressed the gas. My heart was beating fast, I closed my eyes and all of a sudden I was cold but sweating at the same time. I thought to myself, I can't believe that I am going to die this way, I said to my self in a whisper, "I'm sorry mom, I love you."

Letters to My Daughters- Stop and Smell The Roses

7/09

Hello my darling girls,

I was thinking the day that we went on our first cruise. We were going through so much at the time and although we were struggling at the time, I knew that you both deserved a break from the real world. You both were so excited. The most fun I had with you girls in awhile. I loved your faces, you Alex were trying to be the adult and make sure everything was packed, you even made a list with your sister and checked all of our bags. You and Sami went into my closet and wanted me to wear the prettiest dresses, you would give me your fashionista input and practically told me what to wear in ever ocassion. Jade, you followed Maya and check the list of things we needed to take on our trip.  Your happiness was my happiness. Although we carried a heavy heart, nothing could bring us down during those special moments. We spent our trip with family members, my sister-your aunt, uncles and cousins.  I believe one of my sister's best friend went as well. We ate on that trip like there was no tomorrow, ordered every meal on the menu. We took sun and we danced our bookies off. I remember our cabin. it was tight but it felt like a slumber party but with my best of girlfriends. We all fought for the mirror. Alex, you would fight withJade because she took too long in the shower and Jade you fought with Alex and kept telling her "Your not my mom, stop telling me what to do!" I would smile because those are the type of moments that I will Cheri's and always remember.

Daughters of mine, I can not tell you how much I appreciate you both being in my life. Words can not express the love that I carry for the both of you each and every day. It's seems like in a blink of an eye that things have changed so much. Its true when they say that you are not in control of your life, that God has the best interest for you. That is why it is so important for you both to stop from time to time, close your eyes, take a deep breath and be in the moment. Remember and appreciate your every days including the bad ones. I only say this because when life throws you challenges, it is to help you appreciate your sense of worth. Stop and smell the roses, and think about your decisions in life and make sure that your decisions are well worth making them and never look back and have regrets. Love all and continue to be kiddo to others as you would like others to treat you. ............................

I will always be here for you my darling girls

I love you elephant much

Your mom

I Love You Elephant Much- Video gaming is it an addiction or is it an escape (2)

I remember walking downstairs to wash laundry, I passed him on my left. I heard silence with the exception of the washing machine and dryer going. I noticed now he had on earphones. "are you kidding me?" I told him in an upset tone. I tugged on him to get his attention and he looked at me and aside , "Oh Hi," in a juvenile way, he said to me, "yeah I got these earphones so I can concentrate more and not be distracted." I said, "distracted by who, your girls, by me trying to talk with my husband, have a conversation. really!" I was enraged that this was getting worse.  I returned to the family room and asked on what  he was doing. Mind you, I already knew but i was trying to start a conversation with him. He told me he just finished talking to another gamer who has two children and her husband left her. He said, " Isn't that fucked up babe?" he basically told me her whole life story. I asked him then, "Hey, uhmmm...babe? I was reluctant to ask because I was afraid of the answer I was going to get.  I paused then decided to go for it. "Do you know what I do for a living?" he responded "what do you mean?" "Your a social worker right?" He didn't even look at me. I had no words just a heavy heart that he had no clue on what I did. My heart was broken that he knew more about some chickie he never met in Chicago then me. I then told him about his daughter's chorus concert. He responded with "hold on babe, let me do this first, then tell me again later, or remind me later. Those two statements and a time that he couldn't make it to my best friend's Susie's wedding because he was planning his wedding within his video game with a woman from another state were the most we ever engaged in a conversation. I would go to bed alone and would sometimes wake up alone. We were living like strangers.

 
I finally gave myself a reality check and I knew that as much as I wanted to please Mayhem, I knew that whatever he was going through at that time, he had to be the one to fix it as I felt everything I did or would want to doo to help him it would only pissed him off more.  By me deciding  to return back to school to obtain my masters degree was going to  enraged him but that was not my intent.. I felt like I was defying him when infact he was neglecting me as a person, a woman and as his wife. He spoke about his interest in going back to school so we constantly argued about his level of motivation and his loss of interest in living the real world. He had plenty of time but just didn't do anything about it. I always told him that talk was just talk. He could talk to me about the people (gamers) he was playing with on-line. He would tell me about their lives but didn't know what was happening in his own life. I encouraged him to take an on-line course to start somewhere if this was what he wanted. I was trying to be patient with him, I wanted him to excel in his life and do things he wanted to do, but I felt alone and scared that he was just going to become one of these men that would get up and leave his family because out of his own insecurities for himself he was afraid that he could no longer feel adequate in his own family. I was patient and we spoke about giving him a chance to take a class and for me to wait. I agreed but a year passed and then 2 years passed and he was still in the same place. One day I asked him about his plans for school and told him that I could be of help to him but at the time he was discouraged because he failed his job exam again. The damn game was taking over his life and he did not see that his own failures were manifesting in him drinking more, neglecting us more, and neglecting himself more and more each day from having and enjoying his beautiful family. On good days he would actually force himself to spend quality time with the family but those days were becoming less. At this point he failed his job exam more than three times. His own captain told me that he was concerned for him and felt he was too involved with his gaming.

At the time, I did not know what was going to happen if he left us but if he did,  I had to find a way to support our daughters and help maintain their lifestyle as I felt my bachelor's degree was not going to suffice,  So after waiting two years and weighing an almost 185 pounds from depression, I enrolled in a 2 year masters program for marriage and family therapy. I went home that evening and while he was playing his game, I told him. at first he took it as a joke. But when I showed him the paper work, he became livid to the point of stopping his video game and looking straight at me. he told me, "if you returned to school, I will divorce you!"  I couldn't believe the face, his tone of voice and his look as if he despised me. Holding my tears back in fear that I was no longer talking to a man that loved me but to a man that was seeing me as a competitor, a man that was seeing me with hatred in his heart blew me away He reminded in someways of a man that used to physically abuse me, and only because of the same way he looked at me. it was almost as if they were looking at themselves in the mirror. they saw me and I reminded them of their failures I knew this look, and while stomach turned and my heart was breaking, I looked at him with tears coming down my face and in a strong sarcastic voice said to him, "Hey, I guess I can get your attention after all.

to be continued

I Love You Elephant Much - Video gaming.....is it addicting or is it an escape

Written in 2010

 

Can the father of my two daughters please stand up! Please stand up!

How do deatbeat fathers earn the "the deatbeat" title? Is it tied to just the financial piece of it? I have so many other theories behind the deadbeat father syndrome. It can't be just because they're mad at their ex? It has to be a mix recipee of a little pinch of feeling inferior, a dash of lack of self confidence, and a "BAM" of insecurity! In my case the recipee also included a special dose of leaving their old life to start a new life with a whole new family, a family that already include children that do not even belong to him. His personality differs from one family to the next. He's one person with a total different family and a total different person with his own children. 

A deadbeat dad = lack of financial and emotional support. They loose their title and are willing to give up their daddy status from the only individuals that see them as their protectors, their heroes, their guides in their lives.

They splurge their money during social occassions, purchase gifts, go on vacation, yet, his children are waiting at home for that child support check to come in so they can continue living a stable life. His children are home awaiting for that call to say, "hey baby, I was thinking about you today." then have that type of conversation that he used to have with his kids.

These type of men lie, manipulate and lie some more until their own children grow up and see them for what they really are. But its a no win situation, because no matter what the children do or say, no matter how the ex tries to involve the father, he will never be the same with his children.  

Do these type of fathers ever recognize, do they even realize when they abandon their children, the emotional damage they are causing. A loss of a parent can become traumatizing, children begin to develop anger and depression.  What can become of these types of children? What will become of mine?

 

I am a mother getting over a divorce as healthy as I can get over it.  Its been a difficult process for not only me but also my two daughters, Alex and Jade.  Raising my children to become emotionally healthy young ladies without their father's physical and o emotional support was not a wish I intended. You may sondear who I call him MayHem, like the Allstate car insurance comercial where the guy represents mayhem each time there's a car accident.  Mayhem can be a bad storm where a tree falls in a car, or an angry teenage girl talking on the phone about her friend Becky kissing her boyfriend, then gets into a car accident. My personal favorite is when Mayhem, the guy, is jogging and representing a hot babe when a man drives right by her, not ficusing on the road, just focusing on the hot babe jogging, resulting in him crashing his car into a pole. That totally cracked me up! And that is a total representation of my ex-husband. I may also refer to him as scrooples too. I guess it would depend of what I'll be writing about. 

Mayhem is a man that I was with for about 9 years then married for 9 years and 5 months. But of course, he'll say "We were only together for 12 years. Meanwhile, when we divorced, our oldest daughter, Alex, was turning seventeen years old. You do the math. Anywhoo, we were quite young. Inlove, he was emotionally spoiled by his mom. He could never do anything wrong. She would say, "Not my son" ha... But her oldest daughter, the poor girl did everything wrong in her eyes. It was sad to see that this man was never made responsible for anything except maintaining excelllent credit and that comes from his father. Our life together was a learning curve. We had our ups and downs. But things really started to get bad when video gaming became part of his life. He isolated himself in this interactive internet game. For seven years he played between 10 to 15 hours a day. He was rapidly becoming addicted and became distant from us and his family. My girls and I started to eat dinners alone. Go to places alone. Our fights consisted of me making him attend his daughters functions, such as, their parent teacher conferences, concerts, plays, I mean, when we were married I left my home for one night to force him to face his daughter to either attend her father and daughter dance or have him tell her in her face why he was not going to go to her dance. He opted to go and she was so very happy. A father and daughter dance should be treasured forever. He was becoming controlling, selfish then he stopped talking to some of his family members, didn't really care much about his elders who were related to him and ill. He detached himself both emotionally and physically from his sister while distancing himself from most of my family and family functions. He was changing into almost zombie like. He was easily irritable that even the dogs triggered him. He took his anger on the dogs all the time. His routine was to grab a 12 pack of beer, sit in front of the television, hook up his keyboard and start his game. It was one of those never ending games. There was always a journey, a war, a skill he had to learn or a level he had to get to. His whole demeanor with all of us changed. His life was the video games. As for me, not understanding at the time on what was really happening, I began to focus more on work then I obtained two jobs. I tried encouraging him to finish his bachelors degree. He had told me he would but two years past and nothing changed. I then decided to return to school to complete my degree. Once I accomplished in getting my bachelo's degree, he and I spoke again about his interest in school. By this time he was studying for an exam for his job,to advance in his career. I supported it as much as I could. I even volunteered to help him study but he was too engaged in his video games. He was losing himself, losing interest of the real world and he was losing us. I then told him that I was thinking about returning to school to obtain my master's degree. That's when it all began.

It Could Have Been Me - I didn't know What I was Thinking 2

Continuation-

I could see him from across the street, I was trying to figure out on how I could get into my car and drive away but there were people around my car. I was on a mission to get my car back but the odds were against me. I was afraid, shaking from head to toe and had I known what the price was going to be, maybe I would not have taken the risk. I heard him tell his friend Pete, "I'm heading back home to pick something up, let's go!" I watched him put his hand on one of the girls back as if he was a gentleman, he  stroked her back and she smiled at him with a flirtatious smile. I was disgusted to know that I sleep with this man. As Both girls went right back into my car and off they went. I thought to myself, "oh shit!" He's gonna get to the house and I'm not gonna be there. I wanted to be the one with the upper hand, but really what did that mean. He had my freaking car. I ran back to the house as fast as I could. Because the car stopped at several stop lights, I decided to run between the buildings, run in between cars and jumped over ropes that were sporadically placed so folks won't walk on the grass area. My heart was beating so very fast, I don't even think that I blinked or took a breath. I was close to the house. It was quiet, I was almost under the bridge a quarter mile to the house, and I didn't hear the car until "Oh Shit!" He came out of nowhere, he was right in front of me, I was frozen and petrified that he snuck up on me, I looked at him from where I was and asked myself, "how did he.....how could he have??????? I then looked in the car and I didn't see anyone. Where did his friends go?  I then felt that I was losing it. He got out of the car grabbed my neck and forced me to walk towards the passenger side before I sat in the car he forced my head on the rim of the car (before I bent to sit in the passenger car) and started to ram the passenger door on my head. Each time I thought I was going to pass out, he would punch me in my stomach to wake up. While he was beating the hell out of me he screamed out, "You fucking BITCH! Who the hell do you think you are following me, Ima fucking kill you bitch!" I felt my face swelling up, my eyes were closing in on me from his blows and blood was dripping everywhere. I'm crying and thinking to myself, where are the freaking cops? We were in the middle of the street, he was loud and about to kill me.

  -to be continued