I can not lie, by this time my anger took over me. He didn't want his daughters to be apart of her wedding then so be it. While my anger was increasing, his guilt was taunting him. He felt guilty enough to pick them up a couple of times that week, after not seeing them in almost two months. It wasn't because he was working over-time, as his job gives him the flexibility to work once every four days. All of a sudden he was back to seeing his daughters, Whatever he did my oldest could not forgive him but my youngest was young enough to forgive and forget until he forgot them again. It took a couple of back to back visits to reclaim his role, but then he stopped. I kept looking around the house for cameras cuz the way he was talking about me to others on how I did not let him see the kids was a joke. Is this what divorced couples go through? His interest was based more of my perception of his trick then his lack of being a father. Really? I felt like I was back in high school, dealing with one of those guys you knew was going to be a loser. I could not believe it because I don't know who this man is? I felt like I was in a reality show. I was becoming bitter and had hate in my heart for this man. Enough was enough! My daughters would call him but he had every excuse including my all time favorite excuse, it would go something like this; my daughter's would call and ask, " Hi pa, are you picking us up this week? Here it goes my reada's, wait for it, wait for it....."ughhhhh, Sorry baby, I'm working?" Uhmmmmm, yeah, your a firefighter dude, you don't work everyday!
It was the month of the wedding, Surprise! He starts coming around, gee I wondered why? I didn't refuse his children to go with him. Alex was already in college. Sami said, "Don't worry mom, I'm not going to titi's wedding." At the time, as much as I wished that were true as after awhile I thought to myself, that Maria was an adult and she was contributing to his behaviors, I knew that this day was her day but I was too angry to think about her and Jade was angry too. At that moment I couldn't be the better person. i had to teach my daughter that it was not ok to live in his lies, I mean, what if she met a man like that in her future. People may say that I was corrupting my daughters mind about her father, Fuck that! I was preparing and showing her on how to be her own advocate because if her own father was going to take her as a fool then what is that saying about the men she is going to meet in her future. I could not protect a man that was malicious, that caused unnecessary drama! no more excuses! punto y final! That afternoon I received a picture from Mayhem, it was a picture of my ex-brother-in-law hugging my daughter in a pretty dress at the wedding. I laughed because it was his way of saying, Fuck you. I was soooo very angry at him, because he uses me as his target practice each time he feels he has to justify his actions. clearly, I was his rag doll. It was so funny because earlier that week he told me that he was not going to his sister's wedding and pulled one of his lies. Yet at the same breath always telling me to trust him. Whatever dude! sell that to your trick, not me.
Jade was dropped off the next day, her dad kept calling her to see if she was ok? hmmmm....I wondered why he would do that? That made me even more angrier because he wanted the satisfaction of hearing her say that I was not ok. He celebrated moments such as this. For the life of me, I couldn't understand why he kept on targeting me. Jade did not even know how to look at me. I was livid! And like a two year old I went off on her. I said things to her that I would never say in different circumstances. I was out of control, I demeaned her dad, I told her most of what I knew about his trick and her secrets, I called them names, I was so angry but not at her. I was like a derailed trained and had no control of what I was saying. Jade did not deserve me to bite at her and let out the poison that was brewing in me. I know that I did wrong and I stooped to his level. He has had power over me for too long and I had to figure out a way to become the person I was meant to be through the grace of God, not by the hand of the devil. I know that I hurt my daughter, Jade, and til this day I will forever be sorry. I wanted to be the person I used to be, I was confident, strong minded, a go getter, I had faith, I was a good person but instead I was losing myself and I being molded into someone I myself didn't like. "Help me God, Please." But I felt no connection.
*As a side note, Jade's phone must have been on during my negative moment with her because Mayhem used it as a trophy and showed it off to all that he could influence that I was bitch. Some believed him, I lost family members, others called me to say that they loved us both. I never accepted anyone saying that they were on my side. What for? What was the purpose?*
I am an educated Latina woman with a Masters degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and all I seek for is a sense of internal comfort and faith I once had. These writings are my own personal journey in seeking solace, truth in hopes to find the path that I was meant follow.
My writings entails anger, sadness, love, mystery, maybe a little bit of comedy and the unknown and alhough I'm an educated woman I can not make it any more clearer to say that I am also a human being with feelings. I am myself when I write and I write as I speak, just as I do in my every day life. I do not try to be someone I am not. So the reader may come across ebonics, Spanglish, texting modalities, romance-well more like poor-mance (made up word! Lol), some cursing depending on the circumstance, betrayal, illness, forgiveness and gratitude. This will not be easy wrting for me but I want to share this part of a difficult journey that entailed loss, anger, and just unneccesary drama like a novela (soap opera).
