Letters to My Daughters-1

September  2010

Dear Alex,
 Today is an important day for you. You are on your way to college. Me, you, your sister and grandma had a hell of a night. We missed our flight because of a court date. Sleeping in the airport floor from 6:30pm last evening until 11am this morning was not fun but it was a journey. A type of crisis that I have always been used to confronting but never in a million years did I think I was going to do this alone with you. Nor did I ever imagine the reason on why you would leave so far away to go to school. This  is suppose to be a fun glorious moment but instead it became an all around sad moment in which I take partial blame. Although my heart is breaking because you are leaving, I want you to know that I support your decision you are making in your life. You  are only 17 years old, in my biased opinion too young to launch from home, but the guilt in me and the difficulty in letting you go has now become part of me.

As I am looking at you sleeping in the plane, on our way to your destination, I can not help but to think of the day God first brought you into our lives.  You were placed directly on my chest coming straight out of my womb. You were so perfect! Sucking your fingers and staring right at me with your big brown eyes, I knew I would always remember that moment. I remember taking a deep breathe while closing my eyes to only open them and realize that you were for real. God sent us a true angel. Your dad was so nervous, we both cried because we could not believe that you were part of the both of us and we could not imagine anything more beautiful in our lives.  It was that day that I made a silent promise to you, that I will always be there to protect you, love you, guide you and support you. I know that it is during this time that I may have temporarily broken one of my promises. A moment I can never take back but I will be forever in the mercy of my God. Although it is difficult for me to see and feel that God has already forgiven me but for now it is unfortunate that my faith has been swallowed by seeing you and your sister hurt and for the first time I feel defeated.  I can promise you, that this feeling won't last long as I remember the words of a man that once upon a time loved us all dearly at the same time. He said "You are a strong woman, and you will get back on your feet." I hope he's right because if that is so, then you my darling daughter come from a line of strong Puerto Rican women and I know that you will be successful in anything you do in your life.

For now, good-by my dear beautiful snufalufikas, your nickname from me. I hope that your experiences in college will bring you peace and help you repair the hole you have in your heart. have fun, be safe and learn a lot.

I Love You Elephant much,


Your momma!
Besos y Abrasos

I Love You Elephant Much- A storm, I call Mayhem -2

Mayhem hit us hard and the remninince of this storm was devastating.  Just like a tornado twisting and turning, sucking up part of the earth, destroying people's homes, cars, and a life they worked so hard to build, Mayhem twisted tales, swallowed our trust, ate up our roles as the individuals we represented and then he spued out what I can only call a curse. The girls and I were in a whirlwind of emotions with confusion, sadness and anger. So much of it poisoned our lives. Whatever we were experiencing was happening all to fast. I had no control, I was slipping away and I was afraid of not knowing where that was going to leave our beautiful daughters? Our precious oldest, Alex, who is caring, creative, strong willed, independent, family oriented, porcelain looking doll with beautiful chestnut brown curls standing about 5'2 at the time. Alex was just starting her teenage years in an environment that gave her no choice but to grow up in a rapid state.  She was shy of sixteen years old and left to college in a whim to get away from her broken heart.  Then there is our youngest, who was our beautiful, smiley, loving, selfless Jade. She always thought of happy thoughts, singing and dancing around the house. She was only 11 years old at the time. I was so very broken because she was affected by the ugliness most of all. I thought to myself, how can God put us through this? Then I remembered one day me talking with Mayhem about faith and he angrily screamed "I INVOKE THE DEVIL TO COME TO THIS HOUSE!" I was hurt, I cried out to him, "WHY WOULD SAY THAT? aND WHY? THAT IS THE MOST TERRIBLE THING YOU COULD SAY TO ME, GOD IS WHO I GO TO, YOU KNOW THAT!!" "FUCK GOD! he screamed out. I thought to myself, how do I help him? I ran upstairs crying and screaming out on my deck. I screamed at God. I was so devastated that my throat hurt, my chest felt caved in and I felt like I was carrying a ton of bricks on my back. As for Mayhem, he quietly returned to his video game. A game he has been playing for over five years now. His 15-20 hour game has contributed to his isolation from us. At first he distanced himself from his family, then distanced himself from most of my family, then distanced himself from me and the girls. Nothing mattered but his video games, his focus was on him and his video games. He even purchased a Japanese vocabulary book to communicate with the people he was playing with. He was so into his game that on a day of Alex's band show, where she played the tuba, he did not attend because he was planning a wedding with another player. Alex was so disappointed, but I went with Jade and while Jade and I were experiencing Alex's first show, where here little body was holding on to that big tuba, my tears were coming down because he was missing it all. I knew that Alex felt bad about it too. A week later she quit the band. I can't say if its because she lost interest or because she felt unsupported but I know this, if her two parents were routing for her, Alex would have had a better chance in staying with the band.

The video playing was getting worse, she was turning 15 and I have been trying to talk to Mayhem about put together a quince party for her but he was so uninterested, he was so lost in his game that even when she went up  to him to ask him about her birthday, he kept telling her to wait. Well we waited until the day of  her birthday. He was still playing his game. I asked Alex on what she would like to do for her birthday and she was so disappointed and said "whatever mom." and then sighed.  She invited one of her cousins, Nicole, her sister and I went to Red Lobster. it. Before leaving the house, Alex gave her father a big hug, she said, "You should come dad," but he was on his recliner playing his video game. "Ok, baby, have fun!" Not even an eye to eye look at his daughter's face. Jade also said goodbye, as for me, I stared at him and asked him quietly with tears in my eyes, "Can you please go, it's her 15th birthday, please." He said "NOPE!" I then pleaded, "I will stay home and you can go with them." He stayed quiet playing his game. I put my hand on his shoulder, gave him a kiss on his head and said "I hope you don't regret this, I really wish you would go...." He just shrugged his shoulders. The girls were already  in the car waiting for me, I wiped my tears, locked the house door behind me and off we went to celebrate Alex's 15th birthday.

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