I Love you Elephant Much- A Storm, I Call Mayhem 3 (addition)

I had Mayhem's number and each time Mayhem got busted in his calculated lies and hid from his children, that's when he amazingly rose from the dead and became that victim, making me his spawn for his excuses of why he wasn't seeing his daughters. It was becoming ugly. He continued to call me and threaten to take me to court. I said "FOR WHAT!" There was no reason for him to take that kind of action. Still til this day he threatens me. Between 2009 and 2010 he had lawyers call me, email me, threaten me, I mean Mayhen worked so hard in wanting the judge to find me guilty of something when all he had to do is see his children. The money and efforts he took each time he his guilt knawed at him for not being that loving, consistant father was killing him, it was eating him up inside but he chose to transfer his anger from himself to me, he himself could not live with the fact that he has become exactly what he said he would never be, but he could not take that responsibility, he could not handle his truth. He rather see me suffer for his wrong doings, celebrating my sorrows for his own egotistical gain. He paid for a lawyer to harrass me, so he could see his girls. I told his lawyer that I was confused because he was the one that was absent from their lives, I never once told them they could not see their father. But our conversation was not a pretty one as she was comanding me to respond to her questions that were confusing, farce and ridiculous. I had enough bullies in my life and I was not going to allow some lawyer who was getting paid probably around $300 an hour or more by Mayhem who needed a body guard to bark at me. Hell No! I felt almost like a superhero changing from this angry sad individual mom to a strong advocate. This lawyer never seen me coming. She thought I was one of these meak, unintelligent woman that was going to shiver from her dragon breath.  In the end I told her, "If you think for a moment that I am the type of woman that is going to bow down to you because of your threats to take me to court, you got something else coming, let me explain something to you, your methods do not influence me what so ever, Tell Mayhem to take responsibility and see his children and stop being a fucking drama queen!  The lawyer was quiet, she hung up and I took a deep breath. It was not true, I was shivering, but not because I was scared but because I was so angry that Mayhem was out of control. What the heck is his deal. All he has to do is follow the parenting schedule. Its almost like, he was trying to make himself the victim, displaying that I was the one who was being this bitch with him. So others can feel sorry for him. He was seeking attention, allies and didn't care who got hurt along the way. Shit was getting uglier by the minute! 

I Love you Elephant Much - A storm I call Mayhem-4

I can not lie, by this time my anger took over me. He  didn't want his daughters to be apart of her wedding then so be it. While my anger was increasing, his guilt was taunting him.  He felt guilty enough to pick them up a couple of times that week, after not seeing them in almost two months. It wasn't because he was working over-time, as his job gives him the flexibility to work once every four days. All of a sudden he was back to seeing his daughters, Whatever he did my oldest could not forgive him but my youngest was young enough to forgive and forget until he forgot them again. It took a couple of back to back visits to reclaim his role, but then he stopped. I kept looking around the house for cameras cuz the way he was talking about me to others on how I did not let him see the kids was a joke. Is this what divorced couples go through? His interest was based more of my perception of his trick then his lack of being a father. Really? I felt like I was back in high school, dealing with one of those guys you knew was going to be a loser. I could not believe it because I don't know who this man is? I felt like I was in a reality show. I was becoming bitter and had hate in my heart for this man. Enough was enough! My daughters would call him but he had every excuse including my all time favorite excuse, it would go something like this; my daughter's would call and ask, " Hi pa, are you picking us up this week? Here it goes my reada's, wait for it, wait for it....."ughhhhh, Sorry baby, I'm working?" Uhmmmmm, yeah, your a firefighter dude, you don't work everyday!

It was the month of the wedding, Surprise! He starts coming around, gee I wondered why? I didn't refuse his children to go with him. Alex was already in college. Sami said, "Don't worry mom, I'm not going to titi's wedding." At the time, as much as I wished that were true as after awhile I thought to myself, that Maria was an adult and she was contributing to his behaviors, I knew that this day was her day but I was too angry to think about her and Jade was angry too. At that moment I couldn't be the better person. i had to teach my daughter that it was not ok to live in his lies, I mean, what if she met a man like that in her future. People may say that I was corrupting my daughters mind about her father, Fuck that! I was preparing and showing her on how to be her own advocate because if her own father was going to take her as a fool then what is that saying about the men she is going to meet in her future. I could not protect a man that was malicious, that caused unnecessary drama! no more excuses! punto y final!  That afternoon I received a picture from Mayhem, it was  a picture of my ex-brother-in-law hugging my daughter in a pretty dress at the wedding. I laughed because it was his way of saying, Fuck you. I was soooo very angry at him, because he uses me as his target practice each time he feels he has to justify his actions. clearly, I was his rag doll. It was so funny because earlier that week he told me that he was not going to his sister's wedding and pulled one of his lies. Yet at the same breath always telling me to trust him. Whatever dude! sell that to your trick, not me.

Jade was dropped off the next day, her dad kept calling her to see if she was ok? hmmmm....I wondered why he would do that? That made me even more angrier because he wanted the satisfaction of hearing her say that I was not ok. He celebrated moments such as this. For the life of me, I couldn't understand why he kept on targeting me. Jade did not even know how to look at me. I was livid! And like a two year old I went off on her. I said things to her that I would never say in different circumstances. I was out of control, I demeaned her dad, I told her most of what I knew about his trick and her secrets, I called them names, I was so angry but not at her. I was like a derailed trained and had no control of what I was saying. Jade did not deserve me to bite at her and let out the poison that was brewing in me. I know that I did wrong and I stooped to his level. He has had power over me for too long and I had to figure out a way to become the person I was meant to be through the grace of God, not by the hand of the devil. I know that I hurt my daughter, Jade, and til this day I will forever be sorry.  I wanted to be the person I used to be, I was confident, strong minded, a go getter, I had faith, I was a good person but instead I was losing myself and I being molded into someone I myself didn't like. "Help me God, Please." But I felt no connection.

*As a side note, Jade's phone must have been on during my negative moment with her because Mayhem used it as a trophy and showed it off to all that he could influence that I was bitch. Some believed him, I lost family members, others called me to say that they loved us both. I never accepted anyone saying that they were on my side. What for? What was the purpose?*


I am an educated Latina woman with a Masters degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and all I seek for is a sense of internal comfort and faith I once had. These writings are my own personal journey in seeking solace, truth in hopes to find the path that I was meant follow.

My writings entails anger, sadness, love, mystery, maybe a little bit of comedy and the unknown and alhough I'm an educated woman I can not make it any more clearer to say that I am also a human being with feelings. I am myself when I write and I write as I speak, just as I do in my every day life. I do not try to be someone I am not. So the reader may come across ebonics, Spanglish, texting modalities, romance-well more like poor-mance (made up word! Lol), some cursing depending on the circumstance, betrayal, illness, forgiveness and gratitude. This will not be easy wrting for me but I want to share this part of a difficult journey that entailed loss, anger, and just unneccesary drama like a novela (soap opera).

I Love You Elephant Much- A storm, I call Mayhem -2

Mayhem hit us hard and the remninince of this storm was devastating.  Just like a tornado twisting and turning, sucking up part of the earth, destroying people's homes, cars, and a life they worked so hard to build, Mayhem twisted tales, swallowed our trust, ate up our roles as the individuals we represented and then he spued out what I can only call a curse. The girls and I were in a whirlwind of emotions with confusion, sadness and anger. So much of it poisoned our lives. Whatever we were experiencing was happening all to fast. I had no control, I was slipping away and I was afraid of not knowing where that was going to leave our beautiful daughters? Our precious oldest, Alex, who is caring, creative, strong willed, independent, family oriented, porcelain looking doll with beautiful chestnut brown curls standing about 5'2 at the time. Alex was just starting her teenage years in an environment that gave her no choice but to grow up in a rapid state.  She was shy of sixteen years old and left to college in a whim to get away from her broken heart.  Then there is our youngest, who was our beautiful, smiley, loving, selfless Jade. She always thought of happy thoughts, singing and dancing around the house. She was only 11 years old at the time. I was so very broken because she was affected by the ugliness most of all. I thought to myself, how can God put us through this? Then I remembered one day me talking with Mayhem about faith and he angrily screamed "I INVOKE THE DEVIL TO COME TO THIS HOUSE!" I was hurt, I cried out to him, "WHY WOULD SAY THAT? aND WHY? THAT IS THE MOST TERRIBLE THING YOU COULD SAY TO ME, GOD IS WHO I GO TO, YOU KNOW THAT!!" "FUCK GOD! he screamed out. I thought to myself, how do I help him? I ran upstairs crying and screaming out on my deck. I screamed at God. I was so devastated that my throat hurt, my chest felt caved in and I felt like I was carrying a ton of bricks on my back. As for Mayhem, he quietly returned to his video game. A game he has been playing for over five years now. His 15-20 hour game has contributed to his isolation from us. At first he distanced himself from his family, then distanced himself from most of my family, then distanced himself from me and the girls. Nothing mattered but his video games, his focus was on him and his video games. He even purchased a Japanese vocabulary book to communicate with the people he was playing with. He was so into his game that on a day of Alex's band show, where she played the tuba, he did not attend because he was planning a wedding with another player. Alex was so disappointed, but I went with Jade and while Jade and I were experiencing Alex's first show, where here little body was holding on to that big tuba, my tears were coming down because he was missing it all. I knew that Alex felt bad about it too. A week later she quit the band. I can't say if its because she lost interest or because she felt unsupported but I know this, if her two parents were routing for her, Alex would have had a better chance in staying with the band.

The video playing was getting worse, she was turning 15 and I have been trying to talk to Mayhem about put together a quince party for her but he was so uninterested, he was so lost in his game that even when she went up  to him to ask him about her birthday, he kept telling her to wait. Well we waited until the day of  her birthday. He was still playing his game. I asked Alex on what she would like to do for her birthday and she was so disappointed and said "whatever mom." and then sighed.  She invited one of her cousins, Nicole, her sister and I went to Red Lobster. it. Before leaving the house, Alex gave her father a big hug, she said, "You should come dad," but he was on his recliner playing his video game. "Ok, baby, have fun!" Not even an eye to eye look at his daughter's face. Jade also said goodbye, as for me, I stared at him and asked him quietly with tears in my eyes, "Can you please go, it's her 15th birthday, please." He said "NOPE!" I then pleaded, "I will stay home and you can go with them." He stayed quiet playing his game. I put my hand on his shoulder, gave him a kiss on his head and said "I hope you don't regret this, I really wish you would go...." He just shrugged his shoulders. The girls were already  in the car waiting for me, I wiped my tears, locked the house door behind me and off we went to celebrate Alex's 15th birthday.

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I Love You Elephant Much- A storm, I call Mayhem -1

He was a man with core values and morals, we were together for 19 years and met in the summer of 1989. He was in the military and volunteered to go to Saudi Arabia, Operation Desert Storm in mid 1990 for nine months returning in August of 1991. Upon his return, we lived together, and had our first daughter in 1992 and our second daughter in 1997 and finally, we were married in 1998. Although he asked me to marry him as soon as he returned from Desert Storm, I was not ready, I came from a divorced family and was cautious. He had my biological dad's first name and I had my mother's first name. I thought to myself, this is too weird. I wanted to take my time and enjoy our relationship, I know he took it to offense that I was not ready to marry him but he was willing to wait and I was grateful for his patience. During our time together with our children he was initially a stay home dad, he was a good dad. His children was his life but as time went on, he developed a sense of anger, and sadly, I could never figure it out. I wanted to save him but little did I know that my actions, my successes, my motivation contributed to him distancing himself from us, but I wasn't the only one contributing to his distant behaviors.

As time past, he began criticizing those who were different. He criticized people who made and stayed in their let's say unhealthy choices in their lives such as, his youngest brother, Edwin, who was once upon a time in a street gang. Edwin always looked up to him. He'd come over to the apartment and shared stories about the mischievous behaviors he and his friends displayed around the community, hanging out and making noise so people knew who he and his boys were. Edwin would talk about the experiences he had with women he would say, "Yo, I hit some serious skins boooooy!" I would laugh because he was such a dork and that's how he always decribed having sex with some chick. Nevertheless, he was a sweet kid and I loved him. His stories may have not been appropriate nor would I usually engage in such a conversation that entailed titi's and ass but he was my brother-in-law at the time and I knew that his stories was also an attempt to gain the attention from his oldest brother. Trying to impress us with potraying himself as being this "Mac Daddy" while trying to connect with his brother in do things with him, like fishing or do side jobs that entailed flooring. His brother was trying so hard to capture his attention. "Come on bro! you ain't doing shit here!" We'll have a couple of beers and hang out but the job is hard yo, Miranda won't mind? Right Miranda?" I said "No, as long as those hootchie mamas you hang out with wont be there! anyway, he needs to get out of the house, so I can cook and clean!" go babe, hang out with your brother." My brother-in-law hugged me and whispered in my ear, "You know he's lucky to have you and he doesn't even know it.' I slapted his arm and shouted "shut up!" and we both smiled looking at his brother, his brother scratched and nodded his head and said Nahhhh.... next time bro, next time." His brother and I looked at each other and smiled again but with a sort of, it was a good try look. Edwin never gave up on trying to win his brother's heart, he's like me, a fighter, we had faith that this man we loved will soon wake up and love us as much as we loved him. We were patient and seeing the gleam in Edwin's eyes each time he attempted to communicate and engage his oldest brother. it was almost kind of sad as I knew how his brother really thought of him. Nevertheless, his disappointments of Edwin's lifestyle and others he disapproved of were uncaring and sometimes shameful. He criticized Edwin for who he was and the type of women he was seeing, he criticized these women because they had tattoos and he would call them a whore, he critized men that left their wives at home while gallavanting with other women and never being there for their children, he criticized me when I would take a day off from one of my jobs to stay home with my family, he criticized my cooking, he criticized all those types of judgmental characteristics that ironically, he now embraces in his life including embracing one of Edwin's past tricks, (a manipulative woman) she had relations with his niece's girlfriend's brother,  and one of my family members.  I definitely feel that since she was a previous friend where she trusted me with her dirt and her life secrets, was the secretary in an agency I worked for several years,  my daughters would come to my job and help her organize, teach her to answer the phone, she met my ex-husband twice who specifically told me that she looked like ghetto trash, then getting together with him and sharing her biggest secret of embezzlement but playing the victim of her calculated life errors, hmmmm..... I have to laugh, and there is so much more that it is sooo yummy, but I won't, I will let God handle the rest. However, I can't help but to give her some credit for the chaos my daughters and I went through a couple of years ago.  My ex was the greatest teacher in warning me about people like her. Funny how life is, one becomes exactly what one speaks ill of. Thats why it is said that the mouth is the biggest brujeria. What he considered trash has become part of his life, in addition to, me knowing her secrets and the lies he spreaded about me was the way they formed there bond and vindication, he immediately became her protector and with a dose of his own feelings of self disappointments, together they formed an unnecessary war and my daughters and I were the targets.

Listen, my anger was not that he moved on or changed his life but it was how his changes brought darkness into our lives. Impulsiveness dictated his decisions resulting in lying, manifesting into vindictive behaviors, extended foul language towards me and our girls. His absence from his daughters and almost immediate protection of a woman he just met was unbelievable. I knew this woman and I knew her history including her dealings with brujeria. This man went missing for weeks then when he thought of his girls, I would automatically get a call from a lawyer, harassing me to allow him to see his girls. I was in awe that before my very eyes, this man was manifesting into a man That I could not believe was related to my daughters. His abusive language was scaring my girls, scaring all of us. His ill behaviors mimicked regression, aggression, unacceptable selfish impulses made by a man who disguised himself of being someone my daughters and I never knew existed. Come to think of it, or did we? Nevertheless, being divorced to a man that recreated himself affected our daughters and I to the point of mental and physical destruction. He was a storm, a storm I call Mayhem.