I Love You Elephant Much-The Envelopes

NOVEMBER 2012
My fifth , sixth time that Mayhem takes me to court in 3 years. Within the three years he has sent me several certified letters to two different locations. As soon I would see his thick ass envelopes my stomach would turn. I thought to myself, sheeesh! What does he want now? I was exhausted mentally and physically because I was already working on being mentally prepared to be in the moment with my daughter. This was something I had to do every single day. It was a struggle and these types of comnunication from Mayhem was usually written in a form of vendiction, anger and hate. Keeping my self healthy physically and mentally was difficult enough and he just added to my already challenving life. Each time I heard from him in this manner was too much for me to handle. Mayhem's letters were written as if he himself was a lawyer to try to intimidate me. However, he played this role soo many times that it has over played itself. Whether he realized it or not, he was catagorized as one of my biggest bullies in my life. I can smell a bully a mile away and  the essence of his letters had an evil scent increasing my levels of stress and nausea not of intimidation but out of exhaustion.

I have to admit and I am sure many can resonate with what I am about to embarrassingly write but I was blessed and cursed with a "What if" sense, I call my 7th sense that encourages me to turn the other cheeck but each time I do this, I become a fool. For example,  In early June of 2012, prior to taking Jade to Six Flags, I was in a great mood. While driving in the car my daughter hands me a thick envelope her dad asked her to give me. Knowing that he was going to get married within a week or so I somehow fooled myself in thinking that this was a closure letter, maybe an apology or something positive. I didn't want to open it and held on to it just incase I was wrong. I didn't want to ruin one of the days I was feeling healthy and I wanted to fully be there for my daughter. An hour later my daughter wanted to go to six flags with some friends of mine first then have me join her a little later as I had to get our things together at home. As soon as I dropped her off, I looked at the thick envelope, prayed that the envelope was filled with positivity as I was hopeful that the symbol of his wedding was one of anew, fullfillment, happiness and love so I knew this letter that I was holding could not be of anything else but about his happiness and good wishes for me n how he wants to fully be in his daughters lives. Seriously, how can anyone getting married who claims to be happy have any room for thoughts of anger, thoughts of me, even if it's negative. I couldn't wait anymore, my nerves were working on me and It has bern such a ling time that I  have been asking for an emotional release. A release of that part of my life to be over so I can start enjoying my life, the storm of Mayhem affected me and our girls in such a way tht I sometimes felt that maybe I was better off being murdered d rom a past realationship as that would have been such a faster action then be continuosly tortured by  deceitefulness, lies, bullying, for unexplained reasons.  I can't really start my forgiveness work and let go of the negativity that I was feeling. Unless something good came out of it not to mention that my health was in poor condition at that time so my emotions and thoughts of possibly being hit by a long illness was eating me up alive.

With just looking at the envelope, my tears were already coming down before I even touched it. I felt like I was receiving a letter from the devil himself. I held it towards my stomach, cried and asked God to please give me the strength to deal with this letter Mayhem sent. I opened it while trembling, my heart was beating fast. It was almost like being re-traumatized. "What is it that this man had to say that he has not said already?" I peeked in the letter and I took a huge sigh "Ahhhhhhhh, then the sigh started to evolve into a big laughter, "Hhaaaaaahahaaahaaaaahaaaaaa! "Hay Dios Mio, this man is gonna kill me!" This was one of  his evil angry letters! He's actually getting married within a week or so and he is thinking on how he can "hoderme" (screw with me) not through words regarding his new life but by how much he hated me, how much I owed him for our daughter's school and he even graciously planned out lets just say a"Starve bitch and give me all your money, I don't give a fuck about whats going on with you health!" kind of payment plan. Laughter and tears all at the same time. Well that was a first for me. I felt such a fool to think and still have that hope that he was the man my girls and I once new.
I had 2 Oncologists seeing me, having Surgery in August of 2012, becauuse of sporadic body convulsions, Jade was going through her stressors of her dad being inconsistent in his visits not to mention her worries about me and on top of that dealing with her issues that come with being an adolesence. If he was hoping to get fear out of me, he would have had to wait in line because my health and issues with my Jade and those thibgs were so much more important then insults and intimidation. All the envelope did was play me a fool once again, but as much hate Mayhem has in his heart, I will continue to ask God to help me forgive for the sake of our beautiful daughters.

I Love you Elephant Much - A storm I call Mayhem-4

I can not lie, by this time my anger took over me. He  didn't want his daughters to be apart of her wedding then so be it. While my anger was increasing, his guilt was taunting him.  He felt guilty enough to pick them up a couple of times that week, after not seeing them in almost two months. It wasn't because he was working over-time, as his job gives him the flexibility to work once every four days. All of a sudden he was back to seeing his daughters, Whatever he did my oldest could not forgive him but my youngest was young enough to forgive and forget until he forgot them again. It took a couple of back to back visits to reclaim his role, but then he stopped. I kept looking around the house for cameras cuz the way he was talking about me to others on how I did not let him see the kids was a joke. Is this what divorced couples go through? His interest was based more of my perception of his trick then his lack of being a father. Really? I felt like I was back in high school, dealing with one of those guys you knew was going to be a loser. I could not believe it because I don't know who this man is? I felt like I was in a reality show. I was becoming bitter and had hate in my heart for this man. Enough was enough! My daughters would call him but he had every excuse including my all time favorite excuse, it would go something like this; my daughter's would call and ask, " Hi pa, are you picking us up this week? Here it goes my reada's, wait for it, wait for it....."ughhhhh, Sorry baby, I'm working?" Uhmmmmm, yeah, your a firefighter dude, you don't work everyday!

It was the month of the wedding, Surprise! He starts coming around, gee I wondered why? I didn't refuse his children to go with him. Alex was already in college. Sami said, "Don't worry mom, I'm not going to titi's wedding." At the time, as much as I wished that were true as after awhile I thought to myself, that Maria was an adult and she was contributing to his behaviors, I knew that this day was her day but I was too angry to think about her and Jade was angry too. At that moment I couldn't be the better person. i had to teach my daughter that it was not ok to live in his lies, I mean, what if she met a man like that in her future. People may say that I was corrupting my daughters mind about her father, Fuck that! I was preparing and showing her on how to be her own advocate because if her own father was going to take her as a fool then what is that saying about the men she is going to meet in her future. I could not protect a man that was malicious, that caused unnecessary drama! no more excuses! punto y final!  That afternoon I received a picture from Mayhem, it was  a picture of my ex-brother-in-law hugging my daughter in a pretty dress at the wedding. I laughed because it was his way of saying, Fuck you. I was soooo very angry at him, because he uses me as his target practice each time he feels he has to justify his actions. clearly, I was his rag doll. It was so funny because earlier that week he told me that he was not going to his sister's wedding and pulled one of his lies. Yet at the same breath always telling me to trust him. Whatever dude! sell that to your trick, not me.

Jade was dropped off the next day, her dad kept calling her to see if she was ok? hmmmm....I wondered why he would do that? That made me even more angrier because he wanted the satisfaction of hearing her say that I was not ok. He celebrated moments such as this. For the life of me, I couldn't understand why he kept on targeting me. Jade did not even know how to look at me. I was livid! And like a two year old I went off on her. I said things to her that I would never say in different circumstances. I was out of control, I demeaned her dad, I told her most of what I knew about his trick and her secrets, I called them names, I was so angry but not at her. I was like a derailed trained and had no control of what I was saying. Jade did not deserve me to bite at her and let out the poison that was brewing in me. I know that I did wrong and I stooped to his level. He has had power over me for too long and I had to figure out a way to become the person I was meant to be through the grace of God, not by the hand of the devil. I know that I hurt my daughter, Jade, and til this day I will forever be sorry.  I wanted to be the person I used to be, I was confident, strong minded, a go getter, I had faith, I was a good person but instead I was losing myself and I being molded into someone I myself didn't like. "Help me God, Please." But I felt no connection.

*As a side note, Jade's phone must have been on during my negative moment with her because Mayhem used it as a trophy and showed it off to all that he could influence that I was bitch. Some believed him, I lost family members, others called me to say that they loved us both. I never accepted anyone saying that they were on my side. What for? What was the purpose?*


I am an educated Latina woman with a Masters degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and all I seek for is a sense of internal comfort and faith I once had. These writings are my own personal journey in seeking solace, truth in hopes to find the path that I was meant follow.

My writings entails anger, sadness, love, mystery, maybe a little bit of comedy and the unknown and alhough I'm an educated woman I can not make it any more clearer to say that I am also a human being with feelings. I am myself when I write and I write as I speak, just as I do in my every day life. I do not try to be someone I am not. So the reader may come across ebonics, Spanglish, texting modalities, romance-well more like poor-mance (made up word! Lol), some cursing depending on the circumstance, betrayal, illness, forgiveness and gratitude. This will not be easy wrting for me but I want to share this part of a difficult journey that entailed loss, anger, and just unneccesary drama like a novela (soap opera).

I Love You Elephant Much- A storm, I call Mayhem -1

He was a man with core values and morals, we were together for 19 years and met in the summer of 1989. He was in the military and volunteered to go to Saudi Arabia, Operation Desert Storm in mid 1990 for nine months returning in August of 1991. Upon his return, we lived together, and had our first daughter in 1992 and our second daughter in 1997 and finally, we were married in 1998. Although he asked me to marry him as soon as he returned from Desert Storm, I was not ready, I came from a divorced family and was cautious. He had my biological dad's first name and I had my mother's first name. I thought to myself, this is too weird. I wanted to take my time and enjoy our relationship, I know he took it to offense that I was not ready to marry him but he was willing to wait and I was grateful for his patience. During our time together with our children he was initially a stay home dad, he was a good dad. His children was his life but as time went on, he developed a sense of anger, and sadly, I could never figure it out. I wanted to save him but little did I know that my actions, my successes, my motivation contributed to him distancing himself from us, but I wasn't the only one contributing to his distant behaviors.

As time past, he began criticizing those who were different. He criticized people who made and stayed in their let's say unhealthy choices in their lives such as, his youngest brother, Edwin, who was once upon a time in a street gang. Edwin always looked up to him. He'd come over to the apartment and shared stories about the mischievous behaviors he and his friends displayed around the community, hanging out and making noise so people knew who he and his boys were. Edwin would talk about the experiences he had with women he would say, "Yo, I hit some serious skins boooooy!" I would laugh because he was such a dork and that's how he always decribed having sex with some chick. Nevertheless, he was a sweet kid and I loved him. His stories may have not been appropriate nor would I usually engage in such a conversation that entailed titi's and ass but he was my brother-in-law at the time and I knew that his stories was also an attempt to gain the attention from his oldest brother. Trying to impress us with potraying himself as being this "Mac Daddy" while trying to connect with his brother in do things with him, like fishing or do side jobs that entailed flooring. His brother was trying so hard to capture his attention. "Come on bro! you ain't doing shit here!" We'll have a couple of beers and hang out but the job is hard yo, Miranda won't mind? Right Miranda?" I said "No, as long as those hootchie mamas you hang out with wont be there! anyway, he needs to get out of the house, so I can cook and clean!" go babe, hang out with your brother." My brother-in-law hugged me and whispered in my ear, "You know he's lucky to have you and he doesn't even know it.' I slapted his arm and shouted "shut up!" and we both smiled looking at his brother, his brother scratched and nodded his head and said Nahhhh.... next time bro, next time." His brother and I looked at each other and smiled again but with a sort of, it was a good try look. Edwin never gave up on trying to win his brother's heart, he's like me, a fighter, we had faith that this man we loved will soon wake up and love us as much as we loved him. We were patient and seeing the gleam in Edwin's eyes each time he attempted to communicate and engage his oldest brother. it was almost kind of sad as I knew how his brother really thought of him. Nevertheless, his disappointments of Edwin's lifestyle and others he disapproved of were uncaring and sometimes shameful. He criticized Edwin for who he was and the type of women he was seeing, he criticized these women because they had tattoos and he would call them a whore, he critized men that left their wives at home while gallavanting with other women and never being there for their children, he criticized me when I would take a day off from one of my jobs to stay home with my family, he criticized my cooking, he criticized all those types of judgmental characteristics that ironically, he now embraces in his life including embracing one of Edwin's past tricks, (a manipulative woman) she had relations with his niece's girlfriend's brother,  and one of my family members.  I definitely feel that since she was a previous friend where she trusted me with her dirt and her life secrets, was the secretary in an agency I worked for several years,  my daughters would come to my job and help her organize, teach her to answer the phone, she met my ex-husband twice who specifically told me that she looked like ghetto trash, then getting together with him and sharing her biggest secret of embezzlement but playing the victim of her calculated life errors, hmmmm..... I have to laugh, and there is so much more that it is sooo yummy, but I won't, I will let God handle the rest. However, I can't help but to give her some credit for the chaos my daughters and I went through a couple of years ago.  My ex was the greatest teacher in warning me about people like her. Funny how life is, one becomes exactly what one speaks ill of. Thats why it is said that the mouth is the biggest brujeria. What he considered trash has become part of his life, in addition to, me knowing her secrets and the lies he spreaded about me was the way they formed there bond and vindication, he immediately became her protector and with a dose of his own feelings of self disappointments, together they formed an unnecessary war and my daughters and I were the targets.

Listen, my anger was not that he moved on or changed his life but it was how his changes brought darkness into our lives. Impulsiveness dictated his decisions resulting in lying, manifesting into vindictive behaviors, extended foul language towards me and our girls. His absence from his daughters and almost immediate protection of a woman he just met was unbelievable. I knew this woman and I knew her history including her dealings with brujeria. This man went missing for weeks then when he thought of his girls, I would automatically get a call from a lawyer, harassing me to allow him to see his girls. I was in awe that before my very eyes, this man was manifesting into a man That I could not believe was related to my daughters. His abusive language was scaring my girls, scaring all of us. His ill behaviors mimicked regression, aggression, unacceptable selfish impulses made by a man who disguised himself of being someone my daughters and I never knew existed. Come to think of it, or did we? Nevertheless, being divorced to a man that recreated himself affected our daughters and I to the point of mental and physical destruction. He was a storm, a storm I call Mayhem.