Caminando en Chancletas Con Rolos in My Hair- 1

It Could Have Been Me- I didn't know what I was thinking

I heard the crunching of what seemed to be rocks while Pito was driving. It was dark, all I could see was what the headlights were gleaming at. To me it was like looking into a peek hole but with pain. My eyes were swollen, wet from the tears and blood dripping down my cheeks and on my clothes. My nose was full of mucous and blood. His quietness scared me and he was taking me somewhere that seemed familiar but my head was pounding and I couldn't focus. All of a sudden he stops the car. "Don't fucking move until I tell you too, he faked punched me, I screamed. "Noooo!" He came close to my face and said "Ima kill you bitch!"

Earlier that day, he woke up in one of his moods, I stayed in bed as long as I could so he won't bother me, but since the bedroom was off the kitchen people were making noise and talking loud. I noticed that when he walked out of the room everyone became silent. A few minutes later he walked back into the room with a bowl of cereal, froot loops, that was his favorite cereal. Then he turned on the television and put up the volume laughing loudly at some television show. He was not concerned that I could have been asleep. Although I was up, I wanted to stay low until I figured out his mood, it was difficult as he was a ticking bomb, I got up from the bed, put on my sweatpants and a button down shirt to look at least decent when I stepped out of the room. I smiled at him and said goodmorning while opening the bedroom door. As I exited out of the room, I saw his mom cooking, his sister smoking a cigarette on the kitchen table and my first boyfriend, Nando and his girlfriend, Mari sleeping in the livingroom. I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and take a shower. As usual I tried to make the best of my morning, as I was taking a shower, I prayed to God to help me out of this situation. I didn't quite know why I was there. I knew I didn't love him but I felt almost like I could save him. Although I was just shy of 18 years old, and I sacrificed being without my family, I thought that for some reason, I could save this man. During my shower, after my prayer and a few tears shed, I started singing. This is something that I normally do in the shower to help my stress. I was singing a freestyle song. All of a sudden The warm water turned freezing cold and when I looked up, It was Pito laughing at me. I screamed, "You scared the shit out of me!" With his arm, he grabbed me by the hair and whispered, "Why are you singing? You want Nando to hear you sing, you trying to impress him?" He had my hair so tight that I thought he ripped off my hair from my head. I asked him too please let go of my hair as I was trembling from head to toe. he told me to sit on the toilet until he told me to get up. He didn't even give me a towel to dry myself.  he said to me "when I finish taking a shower and dry myself with your towel, cuz I forgot mine, then you can dry yourself." I just looked at him, and he smiled. after the shower, we left the bathroom and walked with me to the room. I couldn't look anywhere else.

That evening he went for a bike ride. He told me not to leave the room and hid my car keys. I was relieved that he left. I made some calls to my best friends Janae and Conchita. Janae was seeing Pito's cousin although he was on and off with his girlfriend. Janae knew my struggle and was concerned about me because she knew my family and kepted telling me that my mom was very sad that she has not seen me. "Have you called your mom dude? I said, "No, I don't want to hear it from her." I didn't know on why I was being rebellious with my family. Sometimes I lied to Janae so she wouldn't worry about me and tell my family that I was fine. I hung up in a hurry as soon as I heard his voice. I laid down in the bed and turned on the television. it was around 8pm, he stormed into the bedroom and told me he was taking my car. "Why?" I asked, he said "Because I'm going to do something, "Like what? I'll go with you." He laughed and told me, "No! I then argued with him because I did not want him to take my car. We argued back and forth until he slapped me across my face so hard that I fell on the bed. I was angry, I knew that he was going to utilize my car to hang out with some friends. I didn't care about him going out but I worked hard for that car and was the only thing I owned. While he was taking a shower I hid the keys in the sole of my sneakers. After he got dressed put on some cologne, he looked for my car keys and asked me where I hid them. I pretended to be calm and pretended I was into a television show. I said to him, "You hid them, I don't know where you put them." But he found them, looked at me and left.

It was now around 12:30am. I got dressed and left the house on foot looking for my car. because he had recently put headers on them, I could hear the car from a half a mile away. I walked at least 2 miles in the Parkchester, Castle Hill area in the Bronx. I heard the car and it was coming my way. there was a woman in the front seat, his bestfriend's and another woman in the back seat. I knew where he was going so I ran several blocks to bust him. I was sweating and I didn't care. I thought to myself, he had some bitch in my car! As soon as I got to his destination, I watched him and was trying o figure out a way to get in the car and take my keys. That's was the plan. I didn't know what I was thinking.

I Love You Elephant Much- A Journey to forgiveness 1

A Journey to forgiveness-1

Forgiveness is one of the most difficult skills to have. It should become natural to us but we have been raised in a society of greed, hate, loss, betrayal and hurt. It is so much easier to live with the anger, blame others, hurt others, and gossip about  others. We sometimes feel we have no control or power within ourselves to do the right thing because when we do something good sometimes the gratification doesn't come quick enough. Anger, is a committed, loyal feeling that when we engage in the negativity we get an almost immediate satisfaction and temporary happy feeling inside of us. Some people actually feed from each other and turn negativity into drama, to chaos and a whole freaking party is formed celebrating that they got the best of people. Not caring who they hurt in the long run and not realizing who is being affected by it. The reality is that depending on the people they hurt, they also hurt themselves in the long run. Forgiveness is bigger than any of us. That is why we have to have the tools to start working on forgiveness. Building bridges to connect oneself to freedom and to the truth. The truth I speak of is faith. forgiveness  is a small word but has a fortuitous effect on us all. Being forgiven or forgiving others can range from immediate gratification, such as releasing one self from a burden that one has carried, to having an even bigger effect for the bigger picture of one's life.

To be honest, the bigger picture is the one that's happening to me. It has taken me a long time for me to forgive. First of all, I come from a catholic background. One would think that after many years of reading the bible, I would get the biggest forgiveness of all. In my religious teachings, God sacrificed his son so he can forgive our sins yet we live in a sinful world. I'm not here to preach about religion but I am hear in search of how to forgive. I have always been  a strong woman, living for my family, my extended family, always helping others and utilizing music as my own outlet. Until as I was deceived and my children loss their father, not thru death but thru a revalation of change while forgetting his own. Whether he feels his changes are good for him, his changes affected our daughters. Our daughters then became my daughters, two little girls that were targeted by emotional neglect and invisible for a long while. My daughters were broken and the change of his new life events almost destroyed our daughter's lives, affecting me. It was almost like being in a twighlight zone episode.

I have had various conversations with individuals that are elder and I heard stories. Stories about guilt, sadness, loneliness, and wishing they could go back in time to right the wrongs they made when they were younger. These individuals shared with me that they lost the love of their lives, the respect of there children and the wonderful caring family and friends they once shared their lives with. now they feel they had no appreciation for what they had and so they lost their place in that community of love. At their age 50's to 90 years old, they wanted to turn the time. these elders had tears in their eyes, regret and loss because of there own selfishness has come to their final destination of loneliness and brokenness. they were afraid if they asked for forgiveness, if they tried to turn back,  they would get rejection from the broken trust they left behind.  They say that folks that live in anger, live in "stuckness." when one is young like, 20's, 30's and even 40 year olds have no sense of commitment and loyalty. It's about living in a fantasy world, living life as if they were invisible, living as if they have no one else to care for but themselves. Consequences? There is no such thing when one is young. Living a life to just be vindictive to another is easy to fall into. Sometimes we become territorial of others' lives to the point where we are no longer living our own life but live to ensure another person suffers. Sometimes we can be too far gone in our feelings that the love we had for life, for our families, our friends, ourselves and even the one we loved for so long had have all disappeared. The sad thing is, sometimes that's ok for them. Taking no responsibility and making themselves  believe that there is no going back. Why is that? Why cant folks make amend with the people they hurt, then if things change move on with your life knowing you truly tried, leaving the past with respecting them, with dignity and with the truth. Why harp on making intentional moves to ensure that the person you hurt continues to suffer. And Feel there is no way out in their current life. Why would one want to do that? My feeling is because folks who did the hurting get comfortable in their new lives, the seek for what they once had and attempt to make amends with a life they have now pretending nothing ever happened in their past. Disguising themselves of being someone they have not earned to become. I truly believe with the law of the universe, the law of my higher power and the law of forgiveness that if the one who has done the hurting can find comfort in crippling those they once loved or hurt others in any way, shape or form and for whatever reason does not make full amends with themselves, with the ones that have been hurt then their lives will never feel complete. The damage that is caused in one's heart and soul is long term. The one who did the hurting and the hurtee must find forgiveness to be set free from the burdens of their past life. the question is, who is willing to do the work? I can imagine those that have more of a stubborn soul would feel if they were to return and apologize to those they hurt, gonna they would be admitting that they did wrong and all the tales and lies would have to be answered for. and so it is easier for them to pretend in living a happy life because they lack courage and will and do not want to potray weakness and rather live with the "daunting" feeling of guilt and shame then the "TRUTH."

to be continued-2

I Love You Elephant Much- A Storm I Call Mayhem 5



I am going to call my son to take me to my daughter, Maria's, house." I was struck on how she was first this confident woman telling me that her son needed something different to then all of a sudden making me feel like shit! She was the queen manipulator. She has a heart condition and deppression and I snapped at her. did I go too far or was it the many years of this woman always comparing me with other women. Hell No! It was time for her to stop her shit! Hey, my achievements were difficult to reach and I never was the type to show off.  I am not the type of person to judge what someone has accomplished in their lives. Mayhem wanted me to work hard and make more money and give him my pay to put in the bank under his name. Uhmmmmm.....no! I paid half of everything and gave him half of what was needed for our family but that half did not include family trips, in which I paid for, seasonal clothing, in which I paid for, holiday presents, birthday presents, parties that I did for the girls, clothes I purchased for him. I received no gratitude, not even a smile nor a thank you. If I thought for a moment that our money together was going to benefit the family, then of course but he neglected me, he neglected his life for years and I couldn't trust that. Don't get me wrong, he has done a lot of good in our lives but not during this time.  After my divorce, I was told that my ex husband told others that if he could do it again that he will never marry an independent woman. He rather marry someone who was not educated, someone he can manipulate and control so he had all the say. He said "She will never know the difference!"  When I heard this,I guess his mother was right. I thought of the many times I left this man and tried to leave him and he would find someway to get me back to him. This was not the act of a man who wanted someone different than me. So I didn't believe her, but she was right all along. Mayhem never experienced a single life he had one girlfriend then me. He was a trusting soul but was sneaky at the same time. He thought I was stupid. He didn't know about the street life but he was hungry for it. I could tell by the way he looked at women that resemble strippers by the way they wore their clothing, or women that were street like, hibara (hick) style, cursing up a storm, and although he said different, that was what he wanted and I was blinded by trusting him. As for his mom she got her wish but you know what they say....Be careful for what you wish for.

The year I graduated, he presented me with the divorce papers. I knew then that it wasn't about me going back to school but it was that I was able to continue living my life while he was stuck in video game land. I accomplished so much in the last few years and he was in the same place. His feelings towards me were boiling inside him. Nor me or our daughters could get him out of his addiction. I take that back, it was my ability to be successful, my accomplishments that led him to leave us. I worked two jobs, went to school full-time, had a 16 hour internship, attended my daughters school functions, I even came out on Telemundo singing back-up (chorista) with two of my Salsa idols, "La India" and "Ray De La Paz." oh I almost forgot. As a graduation gift to myself, I purchased a black with biege leather interior convertible car. I purchased it for us, so we can celebrate and for him and I to go on couple trips but he was sooooo pissed! "Where did you get the credit? Where did you get the money? I'm not driving this piece of shit, you take responsibility not me, don't expect me to help you!" This was a stupid decision!" It didn't matter what I did nor did it matter that this car was not going to affect our budget. He was simply angered that while I was able to continue doing what I needed to do for us as a family, he was stuck. As much as I tried to make him proud of me, it pissed him off more. I didn't see it then. My only hope was when he left us I would realize the mistakes he's made but after time, it was just unrealistic thinking. After he left us, he was desperately trying to find reasons on why he left. He would call me out of the blue to ask if I knew a therapist because he couldn't sleep, he would visit the girls and come dressed to impress and asked me if he looked good, then when he come, he would ask if he could use the bathroom to take a peak of what I was doing. These days were difficult for me because if I couldn't help him while we were married then, how could I have helped him while we were divorced.  He needed to figure himself out and figure out on what he wanted. Until he one day texted me a picture of a guy sitting on the bed with his boxers. I didn't know who that was, thinking it was one of his cousins, he kepted texting me that I knew who it was, but I didn't. Until finally, he convinced himself with a little support from family members, mostly his and his friends that I cheated on him. Good gawd! I knew that a new drama like adventure was about to happen.

I Love You Elephant much- Start the movement for a better tommorow

Writing about something positive that comes out of something negative and ugly is difficult for me to do as there are going to people or characters in my writings that will be named differently for the sake of confidentiality, they are going to be pissed, hurt, reluctance and whatever else they may feel that doesn’t satisfy their little hearts. But this book is not about them and their feelings and what they think. They can write their own darn book for that matter. This book is about a family of four. My two daughters, my dog Madison and me and our struggle as a family that could have been all avoided but instead it was intended. My experiences and how I’ve come to accept the person I was and who I am today. I wanted to write something that would inspire others such as women and even men, psychotherapist professionals, such as myself and before we move on, yes, I am a Marital Family therapist for a few years now. So this should be even more interesting to you as trouble finds everyone baby.

If it doesn’t give anyone insight, then I would think that I would have accomplished one thing and that is the writing my legacy to myself. So I can look back and see how far I have come. To be grateful in so many ways for so many reasons and to know that here I was once a young girl, who didn’t even like reading the newspaper unless it was the comics section, is writing a book. Believe it or not I wanted to be this famous Salsa singer or that freestyle singer that I used to be but really had a great experience and had a bunch of laughs with great people and artists I met along the way. Nothing else.But I did have some claim to fame. As a singer, I opened up for so many famous people; such as Mark Anthony, yes ladies and gentlemen it’s Ripley’s believe it or not, several times too. I opened up for Boys to Men, in the Latin spectrum; I was on Telemundo with La India, Ray De La Paz who is a very good friend of mine. But that’s another book that I’m writing.  Let’s stick to this one first.  I was able to pursue my education, My Master’s degree in Marital and Family therapy. I am hopeful that my story will give hope to anyone because I have endured and accomplished and experienced so much in my life I guess now is as good as time as any to write a book.

This book, one of my chapters, A Storm I call Mayhem.”  You may ask yourself on why I chose this title and who am I referring to as Mayhem. Long story and through the story you will find out on who and why.  But I can explain the word Mayhem. Have you ever seen the Mayhem commercials from Allstate auto insurance? Well, you have to check it out, if you have not already, Let me tell you that the word Mayhem fits the character perfectly for this book.  Google defines Mayhem as the willful and unlawful crippling or mutilation of another person. Now there is no mutilation going on in my book although there were moments and I just wanted to….uhmmmmm….ooops…...uhmmm…forget about that…. Moving on, the word crippling nevertheless, is fitting to my story. Yahoo defines Mayhem as a life full of chaos, and probably bad things are happening. Lots of drama. LOL, (sorry, I’m used to texting) yes my readers, lots of drama.   I remembered trying to get friends, other women to partner up with me in writing about something fun and interesting some type of writing that can and help other woman relate and know that there is a way out or a way into a healthy and prosperous life after living a life of hell (you may define it as drama) I found that I had the information all along. My life as a woman in search of answers, love, music, independence, support, and through my research, readings I found such wonderful, amazing wealth of informatioojn out there.  You, the reader just have to be open to other methods of doing things, different ways of living your life, changing your life style, taking the negative people out of your life. You ever hear of the Law of attraction, “The Secret by Rhonda Bynes” how about the “Law of Forgiveness, by Connie Domino, MPH, and RN and for me, my bible, now those are books that changed my life!!! This is not to say that pain, hurts and negative things don’t come my way, OF COURSE THEY DO PEOPLE! But It is how we attract drama versus peace, misery versus self differentiation, and aloneness versus spiritual fulfillment. This book tells a story about a Latina woman such as myself searching for exactly what many of us search for which is love, happiness, internal peace, success and you can add to that list if you want. But in the mist of the search, I found myself in many adverse situations that may have been considered negativity even though I felt I was doing the right thing at that time  Again, In the realm oIndy faith, my higher power, faith in myself and faith that in the end,  things will work out is how we can start the movement to a better tomorrow.

we expect miracles instead we embrace bandages, just like I did,  and each time I put a bandage on my wound I hoped bad things wouldn’t cross my path, but I learned through writing my story, that I was a fool, I was naïve, humble, a sucker, unrealistic. But in the last two years I learned so many things. What is presented to us, should be healthy and that being married, divorced, separated a single parent and finding my way to back of who I am, and not turning back to who I was and all the creepy crawlers that come into reminding me of all the wrongs I did, how do we stop that! We are living in a life where happiness is so important. I am currently in a crossroads in my life, hoping that by the time I’m done with this book, I can find total acceptance, total forgiveness, and the light that once shined over me, including the bliss that one filled my heart with only good memories instead of shit that clogs my mind.   So many endings come with infinite beginnings. New beginnings that I’m not quite sure how they got here, are unknown to me, scary, it's taking me a long time to open up too but I am willing to work on accepting goodness and positive change into my life because when I do face it, it’s positive, its healthy, I have no ill feelings about it. I deserve a chance to be presented with good. Just because one feels they never had it that way, doesn't mean that they never deserved it. We all deserve positivity in our lives. We all deserve a second chance on happiness and whatever else comes with it. I’m here at Barnes and Noble, located at Buckland Hills Mall, in Manchester, Connecticut on this 15th day of February. My little computer is driving me crazy but , it’s not stopping me from writing and sharing my thoughts. It’s quiet,  a good place to put on your earphones, listen to music that inspires one to write and maybe ordering a coffee and a danish and observe people for the first mdunce. I’m not sure how my story is going toI begin or end nor am I anxious about it.  I write my “Ave Maria Marline” series of books as a way to help myself heal, to see if I can reach people out there and to show others like me that they are not alone.

I Love you Elephant Much- A Storm, I Call Mayhem 3 (addition)

I had Mayhem's number and each time Mayhem got busted in his calculated lies and hid from his children, that's when he amazingly rose from the dead and became that victim, making me his spawn for his excuses of why he wasn't seeing his daughters. It was becoming ugly. He continued to call me and threaten to take me to court. I said "FOR WHAT!" There was no reason for him to take that kind of action. Still til this day he threatens me. Between 2009 and 2010 he had lawyers call me, email me, threaten me, I mean Mayhen worked so hard in wanting the judge to find me guilty of something when all he had to do is see his children. The money and efforts he took each time he his guilt knawed at him for not being that loving, consistant father was killing him, it was eating him up inside but he chose to transfer his anger from himself to me, he himself could not live with the fact that he has become exactly what he said he would never be, but he could not take that responsibility, he could not handle his truth. He rather see me suffer for his wrong doings, celebrating my sorrows for his own egotistical gain. He paid for a lawyer to harrass me, so he could see his girls. I told his lawyer that I was confused because he was the one that was absent from their lives, I never once told them they could not see their father. But our conversation was not a pretty one as she was comanding me to respond to her questions that were confusing, farce and ridiculous. I had enough bullies in my life and I was not going to allow some lawyer who was getting paid probably around $300 an hour or more by Mayhem who needed a body guard to bark at me. Hell No! I felt almost like a superhero changing from this angry sad individual mom to a strong advocate. This lawyer never seen me coming. She thought I was one of these meak, unintelligent woman that was going to shiver from her dragon breath.  In the end I told her, "If you think for a moment that I am the type of woman that is going to bow down to you because of your threats to take me to court, you got something else coming, let me explain something to you, your methods do not influence me what so ever, Tell Mayhem to take responsibility and see his children and stop being a fucking drama queen!  The lawyer was quiet, she hung up and I took a deep breath. It was not true, I was shivering, but not because I was scared but because I was so angry that Mayhem was out of control. What the heck is his deal. All he has to do is follow the parenting schedule. Its almost like, he was trying to make himself the victim, displaying that I was the one who was being this bitch with him. So others can feel sorry for him. He was seeking attention, allies and didn't care who got hurt along the way. Shit was getting uglier by the minute! 

Sometimes we become afraid and retreat from what's good....

I remember wanting to write a book sometime ago but I didn’t have anything to write about. I take that back, I was lazy and non-motivated and I didn’t like writing nor reading. It was always difficult for me to comprehend a lot of the writings that I had to read during my school days not to mention that I needed work on my writing skills, Lol, I still do. However, the beauty of having a blog is that I can write exactly what's on my mind except if your an English teacher, please excuse my grammar and errors I make. Lol! I am such a Libra! Anywhoo, I was always busy living and enjoying life, going to school, working 2-3 jobs at a time, an internship, singing in bands or just by myself, making jewelry, taking care of my family, including being a mom, I was always either doing something here and there but my favorite is being a mom.

Just recently, I came across some letters from my past written by my high school friends, letters from my first crush and letters from my ex husband when he was overseas. I also came across journals that I have written throughout the years. Some of it I remembered, others I blocked out of my mind because of the abuse I experienced,in which I will share in my writings. However, I am grateful for the past experiences that I have had, my past relationships and frienships although some were unhealthy, have truly taught me how to respect myself. I gave up myself too many times and put my trust in those that mistreated my spirit for life. It's sad that I did not see it then but that's part of why I am writing now. I am hoping that through my experiences I can teach others to embrace the crossroads between saying goodbye to the old world and embracing a new beginning.  Sometimes we become afraid and retreat from what is good for us and stay to what’s familiar to us. The cycle of unhappiness, abuse, hate, anger, loneliness, and being taken advantage of and whatever else comes with the old life becomes comfortable for us to stay in that relationship and so when we turn away from whats good for us, our struggles starts all over again and we lose ourselves even more.

I say, change your ways, live your life to the fullest but not in such a way that hurts others. It's ok to have changes in your life, some people would say "I'm doing me!" But not in the expense of people you love. I always believed in the what comes around, goes around saying or as folks would say in my world, "lo que tu hace en este mundo lo paga en este mundo." (what we do in this world we will pay for in this world). Listen, I'm not the greatest writer or philosopher but I have several stories to tell and my hope is that one of my stories can help others. So relax,have some coffee, tea, or a glass of something and read my blogs as I take you on a journey into my world, The Ave Maria Marline series will be full of challenges, success and hope. So I'm trying to pass my goodness forward and I am asking readers to do the same. Discuss it with others, leave some comments to share with other readers.

Enjoy and Godspeed!

With much Gratitude,
Marline Cosme
"Ave Maria Marline" series